Archive | June, 2016

Slowing My Roll

29 Jun

As of yet, there is no fantastic cure for feeling like your head is about to explode, I mean, how much input can go in and be tossed around and worried about? You would be surprised! Anyhow, since the methods that I have been trying haven’t been working, I think it’s time to try something new. And something a little less destructive.

My husband is the real hero in this episode. He said to me the other day that he thought we were drinking too much and neither of us have been feeling that great. I completely agreed. Our sleeping is off and on, every other night it seems, we are not sleeping well and getting up at all hours. No good. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we can’t expect to take care of our dependants either. Enough is enough.

I have been thinking really hard about taking in more nature, sunlight and just trying to sunrelax more in order to get some much needed rest for my mind. Vitamin D is a great source of natural anti-depressant. So, I vow to spend more time outside, to get more active with my children and to read more books. Once I get into a book, there is no stopping me!

I think that I drank about 14 glasses of water yesterday, I ate normally, which is pretty healthy and I spent the day cleaning my children’s rooms! What a task! My 7 year old’s room looked like three baskets of laundry exploded on his floor! It took me about 5 hours to clean everything! I won’t let that happen again! From now on I will check his room every day and make sure he is keeping up with everything. And to be honest, I felt really great after I had put away all of my kids clothes away and finished the ten  thousand loads of laundry! This is what I need. I need to fulfill my purpose as a mother, a wife and a friend. To do that I must take care of myself and just get through the day, as hard as it can be. It is a never ending cycle of thoughts, actions and thoughts again. The never ending guilt and worry and all that goes with it, it is completely real, the feeling of defeat. The feeling that nothing will be right, or that something is wrong and you just can’t figure out what it is. The fear that you have said or done something wrong to someone and not knowing who or what it was. It is not easy to live with this. It’s even harder to live with when you drink. So, no more. Of course, it’s summer now and I will partake in a little bit of drinks now and then, but not every day. That being said, I never drank in excess when my kids were around. They are my first priority. Always.

I know now that I was going through a very very dark time and didn’t really know what to do. I am hoping now that is over. I will no longer cave in to my sorrows and try to cover them up, and by covering them up, I was only feeding them more. I know that now.

kid tieI vow, I will spend time at the beach, having picnics and playing frisbee and baseball with my family. I will drink water in excess and alcohol minimally, I will soak up the sun and tend to my new garden that I  just revamped in my front yard. I will take on the task of putting my kids clothes away and not waiting for them to do it. I will spend time doing learning pages and crafts with my kids. I will try not to worry about the housework as much and worry more about feeding my kids with attention, education and physical activities.

I will make myself better. Until I can see a real doctor who knows about all of this, I will try to manage on my own. I will try to cure myself in every way that I can. I know I will have bad days, but I have to remind myself that it is just one day. That one day does not claim my entire week, month, year or life.

To those of you who know me personally, I thank you for the support you have given me thus far, and I also thank you for the support you will continue giving me during this time, it will be a struggle for me, just know, I know how much you give even when you are just asking me how I am doing or you come to see me just to give me a hug and let me know that you are there, or that you are dealing with the same things.

And now…… to live!

live

Still Truckin’ Along

20 Jun

As you know, I have been having a rough go of it as of late. I want to try some different maiden trithings and see what best suits me to deal with this awful disorder. Obviously, I hate it, I hate what it does to me and in turn what it does to my friends and family. But, I am not ashamed. I am telling you right now, like I have told anyone else who reads my words that I put out there. If my words can reach even one person who either has this or something like it, or it reaches someone who has a loved one who suffers from it, I have done my job. Information is power.

My struggle is uniquely mine….my  demons are my own. I do not speak for all, but for some, it’s close.

I was on a pill and a half of Cipralex, which is a very common drug for anyone with anxiety to be on. It worked at first, then it went downhill from there. I started feeling nausea, I broke out in a terrible hive/rashy thing, and I started back with the things that clued me in to my anxiety in the first place, like holding my breath, clenching my jaw, and worrying all the time. Soooooo….. I decreased my dosage by half a pill, it’s been a month or so, and already my hive/rashy thing is almost gone! Yay! But, that’s only a smidge of the battle!

I still have to find a way to decrease my anxiety before it escalates. Depression sneaks in there, without my permission!!! Damn depression. It rears its ugly head some of the time. On those dark days, the best place to be is in my bed, covers, Netflix and my phone. Maybe a book if I want to fall asleep in five minutes! I have had a couple of days like those. And, I have made my husband stay in the same room as me. I don’t want to talk, I just want him there. It’s a security thing, or a trust thing, I don’t know what kind of “thing” it is, I just want him there. So, he does, and he reads or writes or studies. But he is there for me. That helps tremendously!

beehiveSo, anyways, I still have to lose this disgusting fat that has been acquiring on my bones since I started these dreaded pills. It’s a never ending circle of worry and anxiety! Pills for the anxiety I am feeling please! Thanks! I feel great! What’s this? 10, 20, 30 extra pounds? Oh shit, now I am really fat, now I need to buy clothes….I shouldn’t be buying myself clothes, my kids need more of anything at all, I shouldn’t spend money on myself! Oh no, now I have nothing to wear and I am a fatty, I look like shit, every body can see my weight gain, people will think I am a slob and lazy and that I don’t eat right, Oh God! I have to pick up the  kids from school and my kids are the one with the fat mom! Oh Man! I wonder if my husband is still attracted to me? Is my mom keeping in comments of my weight gain to be nice? My jaw hurts…why? Oh! I have been clenching it again! Oh no, I can’t take a deep breath! Ahhh!!! My kids, my kids, my kids.

This is my head on a normal day now.

Not fun in the slightest.

The real me, is way  different. I am really an easy going person…and when this stupid freaking disorder gets in the way, it’s very very annoying!

I am a very light hearted, fun, bratty, obnoxious, generous person. Really! I believe in hippyequality for ALL, I don’t like hatred towards anyone, it’s all peace and love, not war in my brain of brains! I don’t push my children to like “boy” toys, I am fine if my son wants to wear pink or purple or play with dolls. I will be fine if my kids like the same sex when they know who they are. Everyone should be true to who they really are. My husband calls me a new age hippie! Ha ha!

I like that side of me. That is a peaceful person to be. I want to be her all the time. Damnit, I really wish I could. But when that anxiety S.O.B. shows  up, it’s not so peaceful! It’s war in my head, war with myself at every moment. The anxiety wants me to panic and worry about everything. Some things deserve to be worried over, but not like this. It’s almost like that special part of you that has common sense to worry about something has gone whack-a-do and is now freaking over everything……unreasonable worry that is quite out of control.

For now though, I do what I have to. My brain is tired from all the running around it’s doing. My body wants to follow suit and be tired too, but  I try to fight that. I gotta keep truckin! Gotta keep goin. I  really don’t know what to try next though. Alcohol seems to do the trick….if I am having a couple of glasses….it’s after that, where it can turn a little sideways. These drugs should not be mixed with alcohol, it has adverse side effects, like memory loss and black outs. Not good. I can’t wait to see a doctor who knows all about this. Someone who knows that mental disorders are real and know how to treat them properly. Mental disorders are the second class citizens of the medical world.

On that note, I must tend to the cupcakes. Toodaloo!

keep-on-trucking

 

What Now?

6 Jun

fed upIt’s been a rough go lately. I mean, real rough.

I was going to therapy, and apparently I have more issues than just the sexual assault that has had a big effect on me and has made a giant mark on the anxiety issue that I have. Anxiety and depression is an evil that has been spread throughout my family tree, and I do not want it to go any further. Good luck huh?

Well, I have been on some anti-depressants for a while now and they were working for a while. The doc had to increase my dose and then I started feeling the old feelings again. Then, I developed a rash that has invaded my legs and arms. Not only did the medication make me gain weight which I can’t seem to shake, it has made me even more depressed with the rash and weight issue. meds

So, where do I go from here? 20-30 pounds heavier, agitated, rashy, hot and uncomfortable….. what else? Apparently alcohol therapy hasn’t been working either! Ha Ha!!!

So, I went to the doctor, who….really, could care less! I have a rash, he asks if I have fleas and scabies! Really? I look those up….the rash looks nothing like scabies and I know its not fleas. He wants to send me to a dermatologist, which he says, will take me anywhere from one and half to two years to get into….yeah….thanks. So, I ask him if there is some sort of cream I can get to clear it up….cream? you want the cream? Okay! He says and writes me a prescription. Seriously????? What the @#% is that? Am I just a cheque for him? He asks no questions and acts so non chalant about it all, I want to scream.

So, now, through encouragement of my very close friend and ally in anxiety; Nicole, I have gotten a referral to a psychiatrist. Enough of this bullshit. I really need to talk to someone who knows the mental health field and can discern what is wrong and properly diagnose me. No more guessing.

I am a little relieved to have that coming, to know I will be able to talk to someone, and get proper medication for me, and not have allergic reactions.I still have to deal with this very annoying day to day stuff.

I look at pictures of my children that are sitting on my desk and I think that they deserve perfect
so much better. I feel bad that I have to go through this with them here to witness. I wonder what kind of effect it will have on them in the future. Are they going to be more understanding? Are they going to develop the same thing? Can I prevent it?

I love them, I tell them everyday. I hug them and play with them and laugh with them, I am doing the best job that I can, but I still feel like they deserve better. Maybe that is just being a mother. It is very hard to distinguish a normal feeling to a paranoid and anxious feeling when you have GAD. Not until you talk to others, can you really desipher whether you are having a “normal” reaction or not.

I might just have to wean myself off of these drugs and wait until I see the psychiatrist to get new medications. Until then, I will be back where I started. I don’t know if that will help, but anything is better than the way I feel now. It’s like the meds have only created weight gain and rashes and the good normal feeling that I once had when I first started taking them is gone.

What to do? What Next? now what