31 Mar

strengthThere I was, decorating cakes. Putting a good coat of icing on the cake. I had just had a talking to with one of my employees about behaviour and trust and the right way to do things at the bakery. Trust is a major issue. If I can’t trust you then I question everything, my choices and theirs. I was quietly contimplating on how my employee thinks that I am. Does he know the struggles that I have had and what I have dealt with? Does he know that I will not ever be treated like a doormat again? Does he know that I will not tolerate anything less than hard work and dedication? Does he know how many other employees have treated me like shit and I put up with it for so long?

I changed my mind after been bitten so many times by people. No matter the amount of beating down I have taken, I always try to see the best in people. I always see the good and it takes me a while to notice the negative things. I was friends with someone for 30 years before I realized she was a truth twisting narcissist who only was interested in her own benefit! Now, that is either stupidity or blindness on my part! I still only see the good, but I learn quicker now on what is genuine and what is not. I learned to be a little more weary with trust.

Then I was thinking about my own strength. I do not know anyone who is stronger than my own mother. She has dealt with a lot of terrible things in her life, people pushing her down and taking advantage of her, tragedy and so on. She has lived through it, she is strong because she had to be strong.

She is so strong on the outside, that it is almost to the point of being her weakness. Now, she has to stay strong because that is what people expect. But inside she is warm and fuzzy and loving. The more she loves you though, the less you see of the inside. She has to be the strongest for the ones she loves. I love her dearly and I would take a bullet for her, but I do not wish to be like that in that regard.

I am a big pile of mush. I hug, I cry, I love, I talk, and talk, and talk….. but I don’t find this a weakness. I am strong. Even though I am soft and squishy, I have a core that is pure strength. My strength is taking help when I need it. Saying sorry when I have made a mistake, giving my child a hug when they are crying, talking to others about what I have gone through to help them. My strength is facing my demons, it is reliving my pain in order to heal. It is telling the people that I love, “I love you”.

I am strong. It takes strength to talk of my pain. It takes strength to tell the world. To know that everyone (almost) that I know and call friend or family will read my very words. Some will be shocked at what I write, others will not. But this most of all takes strength. Strength is not pulling a 7 ton car with your teeth. Strength is not denying yourself to feel your emotions. Strength is different for everyone. My cousin is showing his strength right now by surviving multiple surgeries and fighting. He has been fighting in the hospital for over a month. Just a teenager, and he has shown more strength than I can even imagine. Go Josh!

That being said, I know my strength, I know my mother’s strength, I know Josh’s strength and the strength of his parents and grandparents and siblings. Because those that are strong while dealing with an illness, they also need to feed on the strength of the loved ones who would take on their fight if they could.

Know your strength. If you have not had to show it yet, you are lucky, or live under a rock! ha ha! But know that during your life, you will see just how strong you are.




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