Must…… Function.

30 Mar

Today is already a hard day. Each time something is talked about at therapy, it opens a wound. I was talking to my husband about everything last night and I put it like this…. therapy is like I broke my leg years and years ago, it didn’t heal right. I have been relying on other things like putting all my weight on my other leg, and n0w the doctor must rebreak my leg in order for it to heal right so I can get along normally. That is my analogy for therapy.

I woke up this morning, not feeling the greatest. A million different things in my head. The pain. The sadness. The fact that I have to go through this all by myself. I have to make the journey through everything again, alone. I have to travel there in order to tell someone else about it. It’s cold there. I feel like I am a helpless child again, not worth much to anyone and even though people are around me, they have their backs turned. This world that I have to journey into is a graveyard. It is the site at which joy does not exist. This journey is painful, cold, lonely, and I must travel the whole length. If I do not keep going, I am sure to fall, I am destined to sink into the ground like quicksand if I stop. If I sink, I do not know what or who will be dragged down with me. I must keep going.

I guess it sounds like therapy is terrible, and it feels that way the day after, but it is going to help. Even though the day after is pretty dark, there will be light. I will learn coping skills, I will learn how to ground myself and how to stay out of the darkness. I think that the hardest part is what is happening right now. The re-opening of the “can of worms” as it were.

It won’t be like this forever.

If I have been harbouring these painful memories and in turn, becoming anxious and depressed, I must change. I have scraped through this far, but I am at a point in my life that pretending to not feel the pain is not an option. If nothing and nobody changes around me, I must be the one to change. I need to help myself. Nobody else will.

You keep hearing me talk about all this pain, and painful memories, and you wonder, how much could she have actually gone through in her life? Well, without telling you everything, I have survived a molestation as a young child, the death of my father as a baby, I have witnessed my cousin beating up his sisters, blood and all. My first real sexual experience, he raped me, he also physically abused me. I survived a car accident, in which I remember my cousin’s face in the windshield, and I was the worst injured, in which I needed surgery and ended up in the hospital for two weeks and a healing process afterwards. There is more, but it’s more painful than what I just shared. Every stage of . my life has had some sort of major trauma in which it effected me terribly. Until I got married. Only then, did I feel normal, not in danger and completely safe. My husband has created a safe zone for me. He helps me through all of this. I am okay to go to ground zero as long as he is with me. I need his hand in mine.

I woke up this morning, and said ” It’s already a rough day”, and he opened his arms and hugged me, to let me know that he is right there with me.

nopeThis journey is hard, and I have to remember that I have to function. I dont want to. Today is the day to curl up in my bed and say “nope” to everything and everybody. Some of you may understand what I am going through and have felt this exact same way. It’s normal. I am allowed to feel this, I fight and tell myself that it’s okay to feel these feelings. I need to understand myself and listen to myself instead of arguing inside my own head. I must function. I have to work, I have to pick the kids up from school, I must make supper…. and I will… won’t be easy, but I must.

Why should this be easy anyway? Is anything in life that is worth having easy to get? Nope. I don’t want the things that are easy, how would I treasure and appreciate anything if it was easy to get, if I didn’t have to work hard for it?

I will get up, I must function. I will fight for this. I am worth it. My family is worth it. Fight, Amy! Fight!

Everyday is a challenge. Everyday is a gift. Everyday I will go on. I will survive. I have survived this much so far, but now I have so much more to lose if I stop. Head up, chin up, emotional pain, I will look you in the face. I will take you on, you bastard. I’m going to be ready. Let’s go!punch


2 Responses to “Must…… Function.”

  1. grace to survive March 31, 2016 at 7:03 am #

    !Maybe you already are at ground zero. I mean all those trauma’s are in there, you’ve lived them, the pain is within, now you clear the rubble. It is certainly hard, hard work claiming one”s life despite all challenges and roadblocks. Making dinner and having kids to care for are the little light house’s along the way that kept me sane…hard as that was sometimes too. Good work! It’s unfair it has to be done. But it has to be done. Such fortitude! I hope you do find time to curl up and rest, because much rest is needed.


    • cakesandkids October 27, 2016 at 5:40 pm #

      Wow, you really do understand, that is so nice to hear and to know others stand with me. I knew I wasn’t alone, which is the reason I am letting it all out, so nobody has to feel alone in this kind of thing again.

      Liked by 1 person

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