The Long Hard Road

29 Mar

Now that I have come to terms with some things that have happened to me, or things that I have witnessed in my life, I have also come to terms with the fact that I need to heal and for that, I need therapy. Therapy should be for everyone. It is not taboo and it is as healthy for us as going to the doctor for a physical check up. Body Mind Spirit.

Since I have started therapy, I really have found out how fragile I can be. I used to try to push memories down and not deal with things, which made me a different person. I fought hard to always be right, I needed complete control of all things in my life. I was a neat freak to the point of OCD. I still am a little OCD. Organization…. I love it. I love totes and paper, lists and full shelves of various household supplies like toilet paper and lightbulbs.

Since I have been married, which will be 12 years this summer, my protective walls have slowly been coming down. It took a good 9 years for me to be completely trusting of my husband. I know this sounds a bit strange, but if you have been hurt to the depth that I have, then you would understand. Since my barriers came down, I have been able to let myself feel every emotion I was pushing down since I was young. With the pain of all the traumas that I have had, I started to remember other traumas, which in turn became a big cluster of thoughts and worries in my head. I had no idea I had an anxiety disorder for years. It felt like a bee hive in my head, and the thoughts that I continually had were very disturbing. Little things really turn into big things when dealing with anxiety. In turn, I could feel my anxiousness turning into depression and I knew I had to act fast. That is a slippery slope to try to get yourself out of.

I chose to find myself. I chose to be the person I know my children deserve, the wife my husband deserves and the person I need myself to be.

Therapy is hard. It is one of the hardest things that I have done so far. I have to come to terms with everything bad that has happened, who did these things, the reactions and solutions my family had sought out for me and the outcome of it all.

This is fatiguing to my brain. This is strenuous for my heart and I want to curl up in my bed and stay there. My thoughts run wild and I dwell and rethink the session for the next day and a half. But, my therapist tells me that this is a good sign. This is a sign that I am working to better myself, my mental health is important and it is comforting to hear that this pain and fragility is normal.

Issues may be hard to deal with, but at least they are being dealth with. They are no longer festering in my psyche. They will not become a bigger issue that I won’t recover from in the future.

I do this for not only my family, but ultimately for myself. If I don’t, who will be there to take care of the precious people in my life?

 

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