I don’t wanna!

23 Feb

So, it is clear that things that happen in life, always effect the person you are and who you are going to be. Outlooks on life and others are greatly effected by what we have gone through earlier in life.

My life has had a lot of twists and turns, ups and downs and I am just now starting to deal with the things that have brought me to the person that I am now. I am having a pretty difficult time at this. I have support. I have a very understanding and loving husband who stands by me in the days that I just want to stay in bed and not face the world. He is there to just be with me. He does not want anything from me. He does not give me his opinion on what is the best thing for me, or the best way to deal with things, he just hugs me and lets me deal. If I need something, I will tell him and he knows this.

Lately I have been thinking way too much, which has increased my anxiety level. I want to stay inside, reading my books, doing my suduko puzzles, drinking wine and cuddling with my kids. I don’t do this….. every day! Ha Ha!!! Seriously, if I could do anything I wanted right now, I would just be sleeping. I would be in my bed.

I don’t want to deal. I don’t want to think about the horrible things that I have  been through. I don’t want to think about my dad dying, my mom being injured and taken away from me. I don’t want to think about what Mark did to me, or how my uncle beat up my cousin when I was little. I don’t want to think about the image that is etched in my brain from my car accident, my cousin’s face in the windsheild. I don’t want to feel the pain that comes back with each memory.

Even though not everything that has happened in my young life was bad, there was lots of good. Lots of love and I am not denying that, but the bad things do stay there, lingering, hunching in shadows just waiting for something to trigger their memory. I feel that the great people who have helped shaped us from the beginning have a great deal to do with how we cope. How we survive against some odds. How we love and forgive and live.

Right now, I know that I am safe. I know that I am loved, but I don’t want to deal with anything! I don’t want to remember the bad and when I do, I just want to fall down and cry. These things happened long ago,  I should have dealt with them long ago. I did not. It’s biting me in the ass now.

I don’t wanna!

I need the strength to keep going, to pull myself out of the pit that I was slowly falling into. My anxiety has started to creep back. My jaw is tight and I hold my breath. Less and less sleep.

If there were a magical elixir to stop this spiral, I would take it. I do not like this feeling. And when I say what I feel, there is always recourse. Why can’t I feel this way? Why do I have to say things in a different way? Why do I have to not say it at all? Why not? I am a human, I have feelings and words, and there is nothing appropriate about molestation, there is nothing appropriate about death and despair and anxiety and abandonment and depression. Why do I have to be appropriate when talking about all of the terrible things that a little girl had to go through? Why do I have to think about what others might think about the things that I fell victim to?

I don’t want to keep things in anymore. I don’t want to deal with them, but I have to in order to heal. I am almost 40 and I did not choose to have the things that I have gone through to happen when I was a child, and I did not choose to have all of the residual feelings to come back on me now. So what, I am not as tough as other people. So what, I am not comparing myself and my pain to anyone elses. You want me to suck it up and get over it? It’s not that easy. You think I talk to much about things that should be private? Too bad, that is not me.

People worry too much about the effect that someone else’s pain has on them directly. Why? I feel the pain. I have the memories. They are mine. I will do with them what I wish, and right now, I am laying them all out there for all to see. I am threadbare and cold. I need a warm blanket and a hug, not judgement.

So, I don’t wanna. I really don’t.

I am hurt. That is it. That is the end of the story.


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