The Shame Game

8 Feb

Some might think that having a blog for all the world to see might be a very bold way to talk about your life. Some think that it is a bold statement to be able to let things go and talk about them online. The world wide web is vast and there are a lot of things to read and learn and be disgusted with. I don’t think that one person’s story should be a thing of shame.

Of course, I am already an outgoing and loud person who says what she thinks most of the time, so it isn’t that far off for me to tell my story in a blog.

There has been numerous things that have happened to me in my life already that have been on a wide scope from absolutely terrible to joyously wonderful. I would not change anything that has happened to me in my life for anything. All of that pain and joy have made me into the person that I am now. I kinda like me, so I am okay with it all.

I did feel awful for not being able to tell my loved ones about what had happened to me, but I do not feel shame. I didn’t tell my family in order to protect them. My mom, she is a very strong woman with very strong opinions. She has been through numerous terrible things and she has kept on going. I don’t want to add to that. I don’t want to be the reason that she feels terrible. I know, as a mother, I would have felt helpless and I would want to break down and cry because I could not have prevented my child being hurt. It isn’t  her fault. I don’t want her to feel that guilt, that inevitable and everlasting guilt as a mother and as a woman who couldn’t protect my child. There is no way that she could have stopped it from ever happening. There is no way that history can change. I wanted to tell her, but there is also an heir of disappointment whenever I wanted to tell her. It was never the right time for me. I battled with this for a long time and maybe subconsciously,  I used my blog as a way to not only tell her, but have that protection of telling everyone at the same time.

I love my family and I never want to hurt anyone.

I refuse to feel shame for my choices. Times are different than they used to be. Yes, everyone puts their life online for all to see. Yes, that does get very annoying. I do not share where I am at every moment or what I am eating and who I am with. I do not share a sore on my hand or cat videos. I share something more intimate that can truly help others who have gone through the same or just need to have a talk with their family to protect everyone or even just to remind people how the truth is the best option. There has never been any good come out of a lie.

Back when, there was a shame to everything. When unwed mothers were sent off somewhere else to have their children. When you knew that the woman across the street was being beat by her husband and it was kept hush hush. Drinking and driving. Driving with no seat belts etc. None of this is good. None of this is safe. This is not acceptable any longer. People are now speaking out. Alot of people are no longer feeling shame because they have been a victim at one time. I will no longer feel shame for being a victim. For the longest time, I thought that what Mark did wasn’t “that” bad. I fought with myself about whether or not I could handle it and just leave it.

I have strength. I get that from my mother.

I feel no shame. My story will and has already helped others. We need to realize that there is no shame in the truth. There is always someone who will believe in you and understand you and be grateful to you for opening up.

I am freeing myself from the bondage of Shame.

I will not quiet my voice.

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