Suppression Protection

3 Feb

You know, it’s funny how much our brain can protect us. I know, I know, this is where our thoughts come from.. ..duh! But, in light of recent events, it has been clear to me that my brain put a blanket on the memories that would otherwise have destroyed me at such a young age…. between 2 and 5. My brain suppressed the memories that were so traumatic so I could function.

I have been thinking hard and trying to recall the memories that have been suppressed for so long. I feel that no matter how hard it is to relive it, I need to do this so that I can start to heal. After 30 plus years, I deserve a healing process.  I think of it as having to stare face to face with the devil, look into his eyes and see my own reflection. I need to see the pain in his eyes that started his journey of pure evil. I need to see the humanity in order to find the light.

In definition, suppression is a traumatic event unconsciously retained in the mind. It is also said to adversely affect conscious thought, desire and action. Well….. if that doesn’t put the cherry on the sundae!! Things make sense now. I was always wondering..What the Hell? Seriously.

When I started to remember things that I didn’t want to really remember, it took a while, but I finally started putting things together. I have repressed memories of my sexual abuse by my babysitter’s son. I was between the ages of 3 months old and 5 years old when I was under her care for the first time. At 5, my mother was in a terrible car accident. My grandparents came to take care of me. They were with me full time for quite a time. Then, mom came home. My aunt and her daughter moved in so my aunt could go to school to become a RN. All of these things saved me from more abuse. No wonder it is so hard to remember. In my little 5 year old brain, there was something more traumatic happening. My mom was hurt. Things changed and I suppressed the thing that hurt me alone.

It became a pattern for me to think of others before thinking of myself. It is still very hard for me to be selfish. And when I say that, I mean, things like taking time to go get a pedicure by myself or do something on my own without my family. I don’t know if it’s the strong need to be with my children, or a strong need to make sure that they are happy and never have any memories that mommy wasn’t there for them.

Even when I am writing this, things are becoming clearer. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe this. My brain protected me. It knew that my little 5 year old self would not be able to handle so much trauma.

Now, I have to dig and find the memories. Bits and pieces keep coming back, especially when I talk to Angel(this is the name I will give her, because she is mine), the other girl he did it to. It’s almost like talking to her is a flashlight for my darkest memories of this event. I remember more and more. It is very hard to deal with and I just want to stay in bed for a month. In fact, I spent the whole day in bed yesterday. I was upset this morning when I know I had to leave the house and function. But, I am here. I will smile at the customers and talk like nothing is wrong. Because I am strong. I have to put one foot in front of the other. Every day I want to shut my brain off, but I will not because I need to heal. I need to face the devil.

Cheers, to strength

I will carry on. Head high, facing each day.

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