Confronting the Abuser

1 Feb

As I have mentioned quite quickly in a previous blog entry, I was sexually abused as a youngster. Well, I did not quite rely on my memories while growing up and thought that maybe my emotions were overreactions. I swept my memories and emotions attached to my memories under numerous rugs. Then something changed. I changed. The mother of my abuser (who had no idea I was abused) was very badly injured. She was suddenly back in my life quite a bit, which I loved. She was like a second mother to me. I was partially raised in her house like her child when I was there. The smell of chicken frying in a cast iron pan is like a warm hug!

Then, I was having to talk to her eldest son more and more to tell him her progress and to let them speak to each other. I was more or less the go between for them both. This is when it all came to the forefront of my mind again. I struggled alot with not telling her, and keeping it from my husband and to this day, I still haven’t told my mother. That aside, I was getting more anxious and worried all of the time. I was always on edge, my mind was racing and I was tired all of the time. I was deathly afraid that someone was going to abduct and abuse my children, hit them with a car, it even got bad enough that I was having panic attacks when my parents took them for a weekend. My parents! I was afraid that everyone and everything that I love was going to be taken away from me.

I never really put the two together until today. The further I was pushed into this anxiety and depression, the more I had to talk to my abuser.

I could handle it no longer. Then,( I am going to call her Louise)Louise was transferred to another city. I didn’t see her for the longest time. I talked to her a couple of times, but it wasn’t like it was before. My anxiety didn’t lighten up. I kept remembering what he had done. I was so tired. I could cry at the drop of a dime, and I couldn’t tell anyone. Everyone knew me as a worry wort, but they had no idea the extent of it.

Feeling like I was at rock bottom, I finally went to see Kathy at Withinsight Healing. I shed everything. I let it out. God, it felt so good! This gave me the strength to finally tell my husband everything. I don’t think I have cried so painfully since my grandfather died in 2000.

My husband was shocked at the depth of my grief and pain. I got medication.

I confronted my abuser.

He promised to meet with me. He didn’t.  I told him how upset I was that I waited for 27 years to heal, and he denied it to me. He apologized with excuses. He told me that he is a good person.

I then found out that he had done it to a girl that was like a sister to me, who was also babysat by his mother. He abused her. I didn’t know, until today. She was taken away from the babysitter’s home. She was ripped from me.

He started with us when we were only 3.

My heart breaks when I remember that little girl t hat was just thinking that her older “brother” was just playing.

My heart breaks more because now I have to come clean and tell his mother.

He wouldn’t apologize, he refused to admit what he had done. He kept telling me that he is a good person.

I told him that I am a good person and HE is a molester. I told him that I would never speak to him again.

In Canada, there is no statute of limitations for sexual abuse.

I am now on anti-depressants, I am overweight, and I have a very low self esteem. I am afraid every day. I love with all my heart, my heart is easily broken but I put a shield up to prevent future pain. I don’t tell my loved ones of my pain, I keep it secret to protect them. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I am inspiration. I am a friend, a mother, a daughter and a wife.

I let the memories of my abuser haunt me for 27 years.

No more.

Sorry Mark….. the secret is out.

I can forgive, but I will not forget. The stronger I get, the weaker your grip is on me.

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