Archive | February, 2016

On the Sunny Side

24 Feb

I know, I know, yesterday was not a very good day. It rained down memories and pain. Today is different, as is every day. After my purge of feelings, I went to my bed and took a nap. I stayed in bed for a while until it was time to get the kids home from school. My husband left to go get them, and this is when it kicked me in the ass. “Get the hell up”, my brain said to me. So, I got up and had a shower and then my attitude changed. I started feeling lighter, not so weighed down by those traumas that occured early in my life. The clouds parted and I could see the sunlight. That light was my children. I could not wait until they came home. And they greeted me with smiles and hugs and cuddles! Just what I needed!

My  kids pulled me out of my funk. They always do. They are my brighter side, they are the reason that I am here on this earth. I was meant to be a mother, and there is not a day in my life that I do not think that! This was my calling, my purpose. They will do great things. They are my faith, the air I breathe, my happiness and my reflection. I have done something good. I believe that our children are a reflection of their parents. We have done something right.

Even though I have bad days, I never once lose sight of all of the good things in my life. I do know that I have a loving family, good friends, a wonderful husband, faithful fur babies and I am forever grateful. I have a roof over my head, I have clothes on my back. My parents are there for me when I  need them and there is always someone around that I can hug. I have a wonderful business with terrific customers, who almost always end up being friends. I have strength.

All of these things give me strength.

The sun shines, not every day is cloudy.

Anxiety  is not to be taken lightly. Some days are better than others. But just know, that no matter how much of a bad day I am having, I never ever lose sight of the sunny side of things. Every day that I have who I have, I am blessed. Every day that I have a friend or a family member show that they are listening, or reading in this case, I am blessed.

I might be a bit emotional, I might say what I think and not hold back, but I don’t hold back on the bad or the good. This has to be helping with others. There has to be others out there who are reading about this bat shit crazy woman that understand and find it comforting that they are not alone in their feelings.

I have purpose. All of this is for something. To what end, I do not know. I just know that I can help, with my words, the fact that I have no filter whatsoever….well….that’s just my nature!

Things get better. They always do.

If you are in the dark, it just means that you will see the sunshine better when it comes.

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I don’t wanna!

23 Feb

So, it is clear that things that happen in life, always effect the person you are and who you are going to be. Outlooks on life and others are greatly effected by what we have gone through earlier in life.

My life has had a lot of twists and turns, ups and downs and I am just now starting to deal with the things that have brought me to the person that I am now. I am having a pretty difficult time at this. I have support. I have a very understanding and loving husband who stands by me in the days that I just want to stay in bed and not face the world. He is there to just be with me. He does not want anything from me. He does not give me his opinion on what is the best thing for me, or the best way to deal with things, he just hugs me and lets me deal. If I need something, I will tell him and he knows this.

Lately I have been thinking way too much, which has increased my anxiety level. I want to stay inside, reading my books, doing my suduko puzzles, drinking wine and cuddling with my kids. I don’t do this….. every day! Ha Ha!!! Seriously, if I could do anything I wanted right now, I would just be sleeping. I would be in my bed.

I don’t want to deal. I don’t want to think about the horrible things that I have  been through. I don’t want to think about my dad dying, my mom being injured and taken away from me. I don’t want to think about what Mark did to me, or how my uncle beat up my cousin when I was little. I don’t want to think about the image that is etched in my brain from my car accident, my cousin’s face in the windsheild. I don’t want to feel the pain that comes back with each memory.

Even though not everything that has happened in my young life was bad, there was lots of good. Lots of love and I am not denying that, but the bad things do stay there, lingering, hunching in shadows just waiting for something to trigger their memory. I feel that the great people who have helped shaped us from the beginning have a great deal to do with how we cope. How we survive against some odds. How we love and forgive and live.

Right now, I know that I am safe. I know that I am loved, but I don’t want to deal with anything! I don’t want to remember the bad and when I do, I just want to fall down and cry. These things happened long ago,  I should have dealt with them long ago. I did not. It’s biting me in the ass now.

I don’t wanna!

I need the strength to keep going, to pull myself out of the pit that I was slowly falling into. My anxiety has started to creep back. My jaw is tight and I hold my breath. Less and less sleep.

If there were a magical elixir to stop this spiral, I would take it. I do not like this feeling. And when I say what I feel, there is always recourse. Why can’t I feel this way? Why do I have to say things in a different way? Why do I have to not say it at all? Why not? I am a human, I have feelings and words, and there is nothing appropriate about molestation, there is nothing appropriate about death and despair and anxiety and abandonment and depression. Why do I have to be appropriate when talking about all of the terrible things that a little girl had to go through? Why do I have to think about what others might think about the things that I fell victim to?

I don’t want to keep things in anymore. I don’t want to deal with them, but I have to in order to heal. I am almost 40 and I did not choose to have the things that I have gone through to happen when I was a child, and I did not choose to have all of the residual feelings to come back on me now. So what, I am not as tough as other people. So what, I am not comparing myself and my pain to anyone elses. You want me to suck it up and get over it? It’s not that easy. You think I talk to much about things that should be private? Too bad, that is not me.

People worry too much about the effect that someone else’s pain has on them directly. Why? I feel the pain. I have the memories. They are mine. I will do with them what I wish, and right now, I am laying them all out there for all to see. I am threadbare and cold. I need a warm blanket and a hug, not judgement.

So, I don’t wanna. I really don’t.

I am hurt. That is it. That is the end of the story.

Be careful! It will catch up to you someday!

10 Feb

We all know this saying, ” it will catch up with you someday”. And, for the most part, it is quite true! Whether we are talking about eating that tub of ice cream, or whether we treat someone badly. Some of it is fate and karma, and the other is just the science of it. I believe that this is also true with something a little more close to the heart.

Everything that we experience, every person we meet and interaction we have can change us. If it is a good interaction, then we smile as we remember it, or we have that warm feeling in our cheeks when we think of the compliment someone gave us, or if someone brags to us about how good the meal we cooked was to them.

Things that we remember and hold onto, or can recall in an instant, these things effected us in some way in order to have feelings attached to the memory. Now, what if we have bad experiences or a bad memory? How do we feel when we think of it? What is your first thought when recalling how your ex used to hit you? How do you feel when you think of the way that your father would call you names? How about the kids that used to tease you in school? Everyone has a bad memory. In fact, we can hold on to the bad memories better than holding onto the good ones for some reason. Our reactions and feelings when it comes to the bad, seem to cling to us. And, yes, it will catch up to us all.

With joy and elation, there are no consequences. There is only happiness. This will only cause more happiness and maybe want to make us make others happy.

With pain and sorrow or regret and shame, there are consequences, and they only result in bad things if they are not taken care of. Good can come out of bad, I am not saying that, but our brains and hearts need time and thoughts and cared for in order to heal.

If, you break your leg, you go to the hospital and get it set and get a cast, if you have a fever, you take medicine or take care of it in another way. You don’t leave those things and just think that everything is going to be fine. You take care of it.

The same should be thought of with emotional trauma. Emotional trauma can have very adverse effects if not taken care of, like an open wound that has begun to fester. We all need treatment and care. None of us are above any of it.

People who see therapists are not crazy, they are very smart, they are proactive with their mental health. People who take medication for emotional problems are also not crazy, they are taking care of the problem. We all have a weakness, we all have demons and none of us are perfect.

I am fine with the fact that I take anti-anxiety medication. I just told everyone! I felt better after a week of taking them! There is no shame in getting what you need when you need it, well….. as long as it doesn’t hurt and only helps!

There are all sorts of causes for mental anguish, and some people have a lower or higher tolerance for things. Just try to know yourself in this regard. Try to see if you are harbouring feelings about something that happened to you. Don’t hold on to it for long, it will catch up to you and show itself in another way in your life. Don’t feel like you don’t want to admit that you have problems, everybody does. Don’t put your feelings on the same scale as anyone else’s either, we are all different. We feel things differently.

It’s okay to take care of your mental health. It is very important. Not everyone might need therapy, but everyone needs someone to talk to. A shoulder to cry on.

Take care of it…… it will catch up to you!

Today is a new day!

9 Feb

We all deal with trials and tribulation, with elation and celebration, with down and outs and ups and ins, in that, we are all one. Like it says everywhere nowadays “everyone has a story”. And TODAY, is a new day.sunny

It’s a day to open my eyes and see the pain that others have had. It’s a day to see the struggle in the girl who can’t stand to be touched. It’s the day for loving your neighbour, and it’s the day to forgive yourself.

Life is short, and I know, it is brought to our attention on a daily basis just how short life is. We see it in our newspaper, of the young teacher who is brought down by two people who thought it was a good idea to take her life. We see it in the news, of the utter chaos and lives of families taken in the thousands. We know, and we know it well, that life is short. We never expect it to happen to us. But we are those stories that we read, we are the news broadcasts. That is us. We are here together. We are all neighbours, we are all sharing the rock.

We all have our burdens that we bear, we all have a job to go to and bills to pay and everyday stress, we have mothers and fathers and family to talk to or worry about and pets to feed and walk and find. We all have friends that need support and driveways to shovel. It’s a neverending battle of human life. But this is what we have. We have life. We have today. It was not taken from us yet. We have this glorious and brand new day. Today, we can feel better. Today, we can smile at the neighbour that is strange. We can think about what the stranger has gone through before judging them. Yes, their hair is greasy, and yes, their shirt is dirty. Maybe, just maybe, that person is depressed and having a very bad day, maybe that person did everything that they could to tear themselves from their cocoon of a bed to face the day. Maybe that person needs a warm smile and a nice gesture to know that not all humanity is going to beat them.

Maybe, today is the day to be the person that you think you should have been. It is that day. It is never too late. Say the ” I love you”s, open a door for someone, leave the quarter in the shopping cart, and leave the change at the cashier to help pay for some of the groceries of the next person in line.

Why do we think that we are so important and then brush off other people’s problems? Why? We might think that it doesn’t effect us. Oh, but it does.

I try to instill this into my children all of the time. Everything that we do and say effects someone else. Always. Our words are heard and our actions are seen. What do we want to say to the people around us that watch and listen? It takes effort. It really does. To open your eyes and see the area that we all share. It takes practice and patience. Take it one step at a time. Today, don’t raise your voice at your kids, or don’t judge that person because their pants are too tight. Just go about your day and remember that everyone is an individual and does things their own way. This world would be pretty boring if we all did things the way that you like.

So stop, and think about it.

Today is a new day. Today we have another chance to be “that” person. The best “me” that I can be. The person that you want to be.

Today is a Brand New Day. Take a chance, and give one.new day

The Shame Game

8 Feb

Some might think that having a blog for all the world to see might be a very bold way to talk about your life. Some think that it is a bold statement to be able to let things go and talk about them online. The world wide web is vast and there are a lot of things to read and learn and be disgusted with. I don’t think that one person’s story should be a thing of shame.

Of course, I am already an outgoing and loud person who says what she thinks most of the time, so it isn’t that far off for me to tell my story in a blog.

There has been numerous things that have happened to me in my life already that have been on a wide scope from absolutely terrible to joyously wonderful. I would not change anything that has happened to me in my life for anything. All of that pain and joy have made me into the person that I am now. I kinda like me, so I am okay with it all.

I did feel awful for not being able to tell my loved ones about what had happened to me, but I do not feel shame. I didn’t tell my family in order to protect them. My mom, she is a very strong woman with very strong opinions. She has been through numerous terrible things and she has kept on going. I don’t want to add to that. I don’t want to be the reason that she feels terrible. I know, as a mother, I would have felt helpless and I would want to break down and cry because I could not have prevented my child being hurt. It isn’t  her fault. I don’t want her to feel that guilt, that inevitable and everlasting guilt as a mother and as a woman who couldn’t protect my child. There is no way that she could have stopped it from ever happening. There is no way that history can change. I wanted to tell her, but there is also an heir of disappointment whenever I wanted to tell her. It was never the right time for me. I battled with this for a long time and maybe subconsciously,  I used my blog as a way to not only tell her, but have that protection of telling everyone at the same time.

I love my family and I never want to hurt anyone.

I refuse to feel shame for my choices. Times are different than they used to be. Yes, everyone puts their life online for all to see. Yes, that does get very annoying. I do not share where I am at every moment or what I am eating and who I am with. I do not share a sore on my hand or cat videos. I share something more intimate that can truly help others who have gone through the same or just need to have a talk with their family to protect everyone or even just to remind people how the truth is the best option. There has never been any good come out of a lie.

Back when, there was a shame to everything. When unwed mothers were sent off somewhere else to have their children. When you knew that the woman across the street was being beat by her husband and it was kept hush hush. Drinking and driving. Driving with no seat belts etc. None of this is good. None of this is safe. This is not acceptable any longer. People are now speaking out. Alot of people are no longer feeling shame because they have been a victim at one time. I will no longer feel shame for being a victim. For the longest time, I thought that what Mark did wasn’t “that” bad. I fought with myself about whether or not I could handle it and just leave it.

I have strength. I get that from my mother.

I feel no shame. My story will and has already helped others. We need to realize that there is no shame in the truth. There is always someone who will believe in you and understand you and be grateful to you for opening up.

I am freeing myself from the bondage of Shame.

I will not quiet my voice.

Suppression Protection

3 Feb

You know, it’s funny how much our brain can protect us. I know, I know, this is where our thoughts come from.. ..duh! But, in light of recent events, it has been clear to me that my brain put a blanket on the memories that would otherwise have destroyed me at such a young age…. between 2 and 5. My brain suppressed the memories that were so traumatic so I could function.

I have been thinking hard and trying to recall the memories that have been suppressed for so long. I feel that no matter how hard it is to relive it, I need to do this so that I can start to heal. After 30 plus years, I deserve a healing process.  I think of it as having to stare face to face with the devil, look into his eyes and see my own reflection. I need to see the pain in his eyes that started his journey of pure evil. I need to see the humanity in order to find the light.

In definition, suppression is a traumatic event unconsciously retained in the mind. It is also said to adversely affect conscious thought, desire and action. Well….. if that doesn’t put the cherry on the sundae!! Things make sense now. I was always wondering..What the Hell? Seriously.

When I started to remember things that I didn’t want to really remember, it took a while, but I finally started putting things together. I have repressed memories of my sexual abuse by my babysitter’s son. I was between the ages of 3 months old and 5 years old when I was under her care for the first time. At 5, my mother was in a terrible car accident. My grandparents came to take care of me. They were with me full time for quite a time. Then, mom came home. My aunt and her daughter moved in so my aunt could go to school to become a RN. All of these things saved me from more abuse. No wonder it is so hard to remember. In my little 5 year old brain, there was something more traumatic happening. My mom was hurt. Things changed and I suppressed the thing that hurt me alone.

It became a pattern for me to think of others before thinking of myself. It is still very hard for me to be selfish. And when I say that, I mean, things like taking time to go get a pedicure by myself or do something on my own without my family. I don’t know if it’s the strong need to be with my children, or a strong need to make sure that they are happy and never have any memories that mommy wasn’t there for them.

Even when I am writing this, things are becoming clearer. Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe this. My brain protected me. It knew that my little 5 year old self would not be able to handle so much trauma.

Now, I have to dig and find the memories. Bits and pieces keep coming back, especially when I talk to Angel(this is the name I will give her, because she is mine), the other girl he did it to. It’s almost like talking to her is a flashlight for my darkest memories of this event. I remember more and more. It is very hard to deal with and I just want to stay in bed for a month. In fact, I spent the whole day in bed yesterday. I was upset this morning when I know I had to leave the house and function. But, I am here. I will smile at the customers and talk like nothing is wrong. Because I am strong. I have to put one foot in front of the other. Every day I want to shut my brain off, but I will not because I need to heal. I need to face the devil.

Cheers, to strength

I will carry on. Head high, facing each day.

Confronting the Abuser

1 Feb

As I have mentioned quite quickly in a previous blog entry, I was sexually abused as a youngster. Well, I did not quite rely on my memories while growing up and thought that maybe my emotions were overreactions. I swept my memories and emotions attached to my memories under numerous rugs. Then something changed. I changed. The mother of my abuser (who had no idea I was abused) was very badly injured. She was suddenly back in my life quite a bit, which I loved. She was like a second mother to me. I was partially raised in her house like her child when I was there. The smell of chicken frying in a cast iron pan is like a warm hug!

Then, I was having to talk to her eldest son more and more to tell him her progress and to let them speak to each other. I was more or less the go between for them both. This is when it all came to the forefront of my mind again. I struggled alot with not telling her, and keeping it from my husband and to this day, I still haven’t told my mother. That aside, I was getting more anxious and worried all of the time. I was always on edge, my mind was racing and I was tired all of the time. I was deathly afraid that someone was going to abduct and abuse my children, hit them with a car, it even got bad enough that I was having panic attacks when my parents took them for a weekend. My parents! I was afraid that everyone and everything that I love was going to be taken away from me.

I never really put the two together until today. The further I was pushed into this anxiety and depression, the more I had to talk to my abuser.

I could handle it no longer. Then,( I am going to call her Louise)Louise was transferred to another city. I didn’t see her for the longest time. I talked to her a couple of times, but it wasn’t like it was before. My anxiety didn’t lighten up. I kept remembering what he had done. I was so tired. I could cry at the drop of a dime, and I couldn’t tell anyone. Everyone knew me as a worry wort, but they had no idea the extent of it.

Feeling like I was at rock bottom, I finally went to see Kathy at Withinsight Healing. I shed everything. I let it out. God, it felt so good! This gave me the strength to finally tell my husband everything. I don’t think I have cried so painfully since my grandfather died in 2000.

My husband was shocked at the depth of my grief and pain. I got medication.

I confronted my abuser.

He promised to meet with me. He didn’t.  I told him how upset I was that I waited for 27 years to heal, and he denied it to me. He apologized with excuses. He told me that he is a good person.

I then found out that he had done it to a girl that was like a sister to me, who was also babysat by his mother. He abused her. I didn’t know, until today. She was taken away from the babysitter’s home. She was ripped from me.

He started with us when we were only 3.

My heart breaks when I remember that little girl t hat was just thinking that her older “brother” was just playing.

My heart breaks more because now I have to come clean and tell his mother.

He wouldn’t apologize, he refused to admit what he had done. He kept telling me that he is a good person.

I told him that I am a good person and HE is a molester. I told him that I would never speak to him again.

In Canada, there is no statute of limitations for sexual abuse.

I am now on anti-depressants, I am overweight, and I have a very low self esteem. I am afraid every day. I love with all my heart, my heart is easily broken but I put a shield up to prevent future pain. I don’t tell my loved ones of my pain, I keep it secret to protect them. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I am inspiration. I am a friend, a mother, a daughter and a wife.

I let the memories of my abuser haunt me for 27 years.

No more.

Sorry Mark….. the secret is out.

I can forgive, but I will not forget. The stronger I get, the weaker your grip is on me.