Archive | September, 2015

Finding Peace in Pie

14 Sep

The cool weather is here! I am so happy! I love the cool weather, the cuddle weather, the comfy pants and hoodie weather! It’s hard for me to stay inside on days like this! The sun is out and air is crisp! Yes! It’s definitely baking weather! I have kind of slacked off baking at home since I do it so much at the bakery, my family does not suffer though! I bring things home, to my neighbourhood as well!

The other day, I was in a funk. I have some results of a test coming back to me and I am very anxious to get them, to know what they are and what will come next in my life after I get them. I am a worrier and anxious already, so this is just the cherry on the top for me. I needed to calm down and to relax, and the weather was cool. I decided to make pie. My family doesn’t usually get pies at home because I have to make them for orders at the bakery, so why not?

apple pieI got my apron on and started to get down to business! I decided to make an apple and a pear pie. Apple is like second nature, I know how to make that in my sleep, but pear, I had never made. I get excited to try new recipes and mix up flavours. With all of my anxiety and stress really taking a tole on my mind and body, I decided to expend some of the energy of my worries onto my pastry. It worked wonders. With pastry, I like to concentrate and I know each step, but it does not seem like I am repeating things over and over again each time I make it. It’s like new every time. I put everything I have into making the dough. Thinking of each step, feeling the texture, and thinking about each step for the fillings afterwards. It really took my mind somewhere else. I got out of the ever churning storm of thoughts in my head. I really enjoy making pies and I really love the autumn weather. Both of these mixed together really elevated my mood. I think of my mother every time I make pie as well. She taught me, and is still teaching me every time we talk about pastry and fillings and such. I think about her, I think about what I am doing, I think about the people that I am going to feed this pie to.

When I am done, I feel gratification in the food creation I just made and the fact that my family and friends are going to be baking familyable to enjoy it. For me, it’s better than making a cake. Anyone can bake a cake, it’s the decoration that is cool….but, I would rather not….on a day off for me, cake is the last thing that I want to do, unless I let my kids help bake and decorate it, then its a whole other world of fun! Almost everyone appreciates pie. Not everyone knows someone that can make pie either. When I heard this, I was shocked! My whole family knows how to make a standard pie! But I guess some families, everyone knows how to play the guitar, or drive a tractor, or hunt…..!

I was very very grateful for the peace that I found while making these pies the other day. I also found out that I have more inner peace when I stay true to who I really am! I love to give and make people happy. There is no other way that I have found to truly make others happy than to feed them! When friends try something that I have made, and they love it, I love it! I love the look of bliss on their face, or the remarks about reminding them of their youth, of their great grandma or their aunt who made something mouth watering for them when they were children. I find happiness in baking, I lose sight of this sometimes with the hectic pace of the bakery. I really really love to bake and bake different and new things. This is home for me.  I truly found my peace in the pie!

Poor Baby Puppy :(

9 Sep

IMG_5317My husband and I have had our dog Lexi for about 12 years now. She was 8 months when we helped to save her, so she is about 13 years old. She is a large dog, a border collie/greyhound mix, and she is beautiful. She has been my closest companion for about as long as my husband and I have been together. She was mistreated by previous owners and our friend brought her to us, of course, just to look at her, I couldn’t very well say no! She was scared of everything, stairs, cars, loud noises etc. She was very nervous and skittish. This didn’t last long. As soon as she found out that we weren’t about to mistreat her, she was happy as a lark and would shake with excitement just to go for a car ride!

She has moved with us from the country to the city, she has welcomed our babies into the home and has grown with us as a family. She even welcomed the cat! They play like two puppies together! I really don’t think that our cat Berger really knows that he is a cat!

Now, twelve years on to being a member of the family, she is getting quite old and quite unwell. It really breaks my heart toIMG_6453 see her in pain, and we have even been giving her some doggie aspirin, which is all natural products. For a while it made a huge difference, she was running again, and had no more accidents in the house! Her coat even got shinier. But, now, even with the puppy pills, she is getting worse again. I know that there is nothing that the vet can do for her. I have lived my life with dogs and each one lived to a very old age, and this is what happens. There are more accidents, the vision is worse and since Lexi is the first really big dog that I have had get to old age, I now know that their hips and legs get worse with time.

IMG_5320Just last night, I was woken up with the sound of Lexi walking around the house, she was walking around for a good 15 minutes, until I got up. Well, she had already made a big mess, so I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to put her outside. I waited for 10 minutes and brought her back in and went to bed. Well, she was walking around again and I thought I heard her upstairs in my son’s room, so, I got back up out of bed at 4 am to see where she was….. yep….she made a mess in my son’s room! Ugh! She was just out! I brought her back down and sent her out yet again! I let her stay out until she barked this time. I lay on the couch to sleep a little, when I closed my eyes, she barked to be let in! 4:30 am, I let her in. I lay on the couch, by this point, resistance is futile! Another 20 minutes of her walking around, and I have no idea what she was doing and why she wasn’t lying down at all. 10 minutes later, she sticks her face in mine. This is her telling me that she needs to go out! Ugh! 5 am, I let her outside until she barks. By this time, neighbours are getting up to get ready for work, the birds are starting to sing, and it’s getting light outside! Finally! 5:30, she barks. I let her in and she lays down beside the couch to relax. Peace. I can sleep!

Now, she does not usually act like this. She does have to go out about every half hour to an hour at night time and I have to wait until the last minute before I go to bed to let her out for the last time. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I know she is in pain, but is that enough to take her life? I don’t think so. I really don’t want to see her so uncomfortable and in so much pain, as her back legs and hips are really taking it out of her. I cannot see myself taking her in and willingly having someone take her away from me.

I have already had a talk with my oldest son about how old she is and that she won’t live forever. I had to warn him. He does not do well with bad things, with warning, he will be able to handle it a little bit better. This little guy cried when he saw all the trees down from the last bad storm we had. Sensitive guy!

I don’t just want to let her die in pain either.

I am at a standstill right now. I have no idea what to do. I know how I feel, I know what I don’t want her to go through, but I don’t believe in taking her life either. What’s right? What’s fair?

I  just know, I have a poor baby puppy! It’s hard to see her this way, I am going to love her as much as I can, while I can!

It’s A New Day!

8 Sep

We have good days and we have bad days. Some days we make bad choices and others we are okay! Well, lately I have been feeling like I have been making bad choices for myself. Nothing real bad like hitting people or robbing a bank, it’s more internal than that. The choice to sit and binge watch a television show instead of folding laundry or cleaning. The choice to have a snack of potato chips instead of an apple. The kind of choices that a lot of people are familiar with, I am quite sure.

I was feeling down and out about my choices recently, wanting to have a super clean home and a svelte figure….until my neighbour said to me….”tomorrow is a new day”. Yes!!! It is! It just clicked! Tomorrow is a new day, I shouldn’t dwell on my past choices, just worry about the choices that I am making right now, on this day! Then, it traveled into my brain a little farther, and I decided to pick apart the choices that I have been making and reason out why. Because, it is not what we do, it’s why we do it!

This is a scary place to be….. the why. I really do not like the answers I get when I ask Why! It leads to feelings of unworthiness and depression and anxiety……and this is the bi-product of why.

So, I am prepping to write my book. This will help me out tremendously. A lot of things have happened to me or happened to others around me, in which affected me in the process. This will be a healing process and bring self awareness to me and it will be a therapy of sorts for me as well. So, until I can sit down and type for a couple  of hours a day, I will start being aware of my choices and try to make only good choices for me and my family.

I am going to try to save money, eat healthier, be more active, organize my home and organize my head! Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a giant mess who is about to fall apart, I am just a regular woman with a lot of worry and anxiety, eager to be rid of it!

No more excuses on why I shouldn’t. I know why I don’t want to, I know why I am like this in the first place, and I know that I cannot change things in my past. I should stop thinking about the pain and hurt little girl I used to be. I need to move on and up. I am in control and the only things that can hurt me now, are the things that I allow to hurt me!

I will fight back, I will recognize my own feelings and deal with them as it comes. I will no longer brush them under the rug. I will take a long hard look at them, and catalogue them, find the root and write about it!

Today is a new day and I will take it on with full lungs and a positive outlook!

A Fonder Heart!

1 Sep

I recently went away with my husband for our 11th anniversary. It is not often that we get to go by ourselves anywhere, we get a babysitter maybe every 2-3 months….. I don’t think that we get enough time together in the first place, since I work days and he is on afternoons. I see him for about 2 hours every day, and sometimes not even that. He is also in a band and he goes to practice on one of the days that he has off, so I see him for maybe 2 and a half hours that day. Fridays are the only days we get to actually be together, and even then, I work later on those days and I am completely bushed by the time I get home. So, needless to say, we needed this little getaway, even if it was only about 2 hours away from home!

I had been feeling very stressed out and my head had been completely full of things like work and worry and stress and anxiety…. it doesn’t make for a very fun mommy, so I had guilt about that as well. And, being almost the end of summer, the kids were starting to drive me up the wall! They want to do things constantly, and go places and see people and spend all of my non existent money. More more more….. they want,fight fight fight with each other, I’m bored, I don’t want to, can we go? can I? why not? not fair! Pout, pout, some cries….. But then some days are fun, with little trips to the water, to grandma’s, Legoland, Toronto, Niagara Falls, Ripleys Aquarium, in a hotel! In a pool, in the sprinkler, playing with the neighbourhood kids, going for walks etc.

But, that gets to be a little much too…. I needed a break! My kids were wearing me out!

Going away, just my hubby and I was great! We got to do grown up things for 3 whole days! It was completely fantastic! Visiting wineries and eating out, sleeping in, did I mention wine? Ha ha!

We were taking walks in the evening and just taking our time with things, and enjoying each other’s company. This was really really great, and I think that every married couple that has busy lives needs to get away every so often to reconnect with each other. But on the second day, I was feeling anxious and cranky because I missed my kids! I missed them so much, it was all I could do from calling my mom to talk to the kids! This really shocked me! I needed a break, and I thought that I would be refreshed when I came back and be the happy go lucky, fun mommy again! But I needed my child fix! I needed the hugs, the mom…mom….mom…, the I love you’s and the laughs. I even ended up having a dream that my oldest was about 10 years older and 6 feet tall! I woke up just wanting to talk to him!

Needless to say, I was very happy to see the kids! I hugged them so hard, I wanted to cry because I missed them so much! And, I have been a lot more patient and slower to anger.

Even though it hurt to be away from them, I really believe that it kind of freshened up the whole parenting job. They are my life and the best job in the world is being Morley and Adam’s mother, but a weekend away is always good now and then.

I remember being a child and really ticking off my aunts and uncles and they would warn us if we were in the car going somewhere and misbehaving that they would make us get out and leave us on the side of the road! Of course it never got this far….. for me….but still, there is a point where adults just lose it completely!

I have to remind myself sometimes on how young my children actually are! My youngest is 6. He looks so sweet and innocent! But… looks can be deceiving! Ha ha ha! He really is a sweety, he just needs a little more guidance on what is right and wrong behaviour, which is completely normal for every 6 year old out there.

In any case, Absence made my heart not just grow fonder, but see things maybe in a different light for a while! I never want to get grumpy again! Yeah, right…..its bound to happen, but I might have a little bit of a lighter hearted reaction next time!