Archive | November, 2014

With Love

17 Nov

I remember being a young girl and visiting my grandparents house. My grandfather was a carpenter, which in turn means that there were unfinished projects everywhere, wood, nails, tools etc. It smelled of sawdust and baking.

Bacon, Cheddar and onion scones, before they went into the oven.

Bacon, Cheddar and onion scones, before they went into the oven.

Bacon, cheddar and onion scones, baked perfectly

Bacon, cheddar and onion scones, baked perfectly

My grandmother was always in the kitchen. I don’t remember too much before I could hold on to memories tightly, but I remember her always at the kitchen table or the sink baking and cooking something. Grandpa loved his white beans, they were always soaking and in a pot on the stove. Grandma made the best pie, and the best chicken n dumplings. When I was a teenager, I would call her from school and ask her to make it for me for lunch! I would run to her apartment for lunch!  I always wondered why she could make things taste so much better than anyone else. My mom makes some great things as well, but when I tried to replicate the things they both made well, it never turned out just right. My mother makes the best fried rice and homefries in the world. And then, my husband started to compliment me on some of the things that I was making. He loves my chili, and homefries, and my baking.

What makes us so good at making things? Baking is a science, and it takes patience and technique. Every baker has their

I love to bake!

I love to bake!

own technique for certain things which works for them. It is science, but there is more to it. There is some things that a baker “just knows” that can’t be taught. It has to come from experience. So, I have been baking all my life, around all the women who have helped shaped me into who I am, and there are a lot, believe me! Every one of these women have taught me something different, they have all taught me different techniques and given me a plethora of tips and tricks. Even with all of this, when I was a bit younger, there was just something missing. Of course, it all tasted wonderful, like it should when you follow the recipe, but I felt like none of it compared to anything that came from the kitchens of the women who so lovingly taught me. A chocolate macaroon can’t be that hard. Oh, don’t be too sure. There were things that bothered me, like I could still feel the grittiness of the sugar, or they would be too soft, or too hard. What was I missing?

Then, I had children. This, is when my baking transformed. It went from good to great, getting compliments and everything. I could not explain it. I did not get more intelligent or more talented the minute that I became a mother. What changed?  It was the love. And, don’t get me wrong, I am not a mushy mush kind of person, but I am absolutely serious when I say that my performance in the kitchen improved immensely when I was making something for someone that I made. I made a little person, I wanted this person to love everything, to have the best. I was awakened. Everyone is someone’s child. I wanted to make everyone happy. I wanted to “mother” everyone I suppose.

Orange cranberry scone!

Orange cranberry scone!

There is nothing that I like better than to watch someone enjoy the food that I have made for them. It is very gratifying to experience. This is my expression of love.

Now that I have “found” my voice so to speak, I am relishing in it. I make pie and tarts on regular basis in my bakery now, and I feel very bashful even when my husband tells me it is the best he has had. As far as I am concerned nothing is as good as my grandmother and mother’s pie crust. But, I am still darn proud! My baked goods are done from scratch. I make scones like nobody’s business. I love to do it. I really really enjoy baking. I am now confident enough to switch around my recipes and improve on them and switch things up now and then. I have now created more than 5 recipes, and I never thought that would happen in my lifetime! I look at recipe books or recipes online. It seems so daunting… look at a recipe and think about making one all on your own! I mean a baked good too. these are harder than say, a dinner recipe…. to me anyhow! I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Delicious Blueberry Muffins

Delicious Blueberry Muffins

I am proud to say that my baked goods don’t start from a box or a mix or a bag, they are from flour and sugar, I put in every ingredient. The way my grandma did it, the way my mom does it. All of it starts with love though. Love of what I am doing, who I am doing it for, and the love of how I feel when I bake!

Try it. Do something that you love to do, that makes you feel good and do more of it!

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Let It Go Already!

12 Nov

quoteI previously wanted to call this posting “Justice Seeker”, but then thought that would be going overboard, and I would never want to do that! Ha Ha! Just so you know, I have a tendency to go a smidge overboard sometimes.

I have some pain in my jaw. I clench my jaw when I worry and stress, telling me that I need to let go of something, or deal with it head on. Having this pain, and knowing why I have this pain, I still need my dear, darling, saviour, Kathy Milliken. I need to release, and not just in a journal, but to a person, someone with insight! She is the one. So, she just guides me to the things I already know, and kind of nudges me into the path of healing myself. I need this. I think everyone needs this from time to time. We all have the capacity to heal ourselves and to find our root feelings and deal with them instead of the pretend emotions that fear or happiness disguise themselves as. My feelings are always fear based. Damn them!

So, in a moment, as I sit before Kathy, feeling like I keep getting pushed down, when I just climbed up a little, I get pushed down again, by outsiders. These people, and there is always one, I don’t like them, the negativity that surrounds them seems to have a major effect on me. I hold on to it. I did not know why at all. Kathy, then told me that I invite these people into my life! I was shocked at this statement to say the least. I do not invite negativity and drama into my life. I want a happy little life with my family and my business. No drama. Ah….how wrong I was.

Could it be that I invite this negativity into my life? If so, how? why? I was so confused. But, then she explained it so I would get it! Sometimes, I am a little thick! Ha Ha! So, these people cannot turn your life upside down and absorb so much of your energy if you don’t let it. I am letting these people effect me. I let it happen. They cannot come into my life and toss it around if I prevent it from happening. If I wasn’t so upset about it, I would not feel this pain in my jaw and up the sides of my temples. I let it happen because I feel like I have been treated unfairly.

My moral compass always points in the direction of fairness and respect. These are words that I speak of the most. Another thing that Kathy has enlightened me of. Is it really so true that I do not pay attention to myself? I know who I am, but I don’t think I pay enough attention. I should really do that!

So, whenever I am upset, it is because some injustice has been done, or someone is being treated unfairly and withoutBrass Scales Of Justice Off Balance, Symbolizing Injustice, Over White respect. I hold these things in very high regard, they are most important to me. And now that a veil has been removed, I can see it with every aspect of my life. My parenting, I do not deal with my children talking to me in a disrespectful way, and I now see that I say things like that alot to my children. As well as appreciating what they do have instead of griping about what they do not have. I want my children to be respectable adults with good morals and values. I want them to see value in the things that most people would not.

In the grand scheme of things, I know that what other people do, I cannot change, but I can change myself. My actions and reactions can guide me to a less stressful life. I take everything to heart, and it is about time that I stop doing that. If someone does something that effects me negatively, I cannot change this, I do not want to act in retaliation, I will brush it off and keep going in my upward stride.

calmJust let it go, I have to keep telling myself. These people do not let my actions consume them, why should I let their actions consume me? Let it GO Already!

Loosen the jaw and get rid of the tightness in my temples is my goal for the week!

I shall prevail!

Thanks Kathy, you have enlightened me and guided me to self awareness and healing for nearly 4 years now!

The Reason Why

6 Nov

why question abstractI have thought about it, and I know some of my family and friends might wonder…”why do you blog? why do you share so many things?” and I have thought…. I should tell them!

I have a lot to be thankful for, I have struggles, ups and downs. Everyone does. Some of my struggles feel like I am going through them alone. Some things sound funny when I write my experience down! Simply, writing eases the tension, it takes a load off the weighed-down shoulders. I know, I could be journalling, and I still do, but I am always hoping that my blog will reach someone who is having a terrible day and lighten their load a little. I don’t think that I can make everyone happy, I am sure some people try to read what I write and click off the page immediately, but what matters is the one person. The mom that has had it up to her eyeballs with the kids and work and housework etc. She will see that she is not alone. I know, it sounds so cliche, but it is true! When you are having a down-in-the-dumpy day, if you know someone that has gone through it, it feels so much better.

I have a couple of reasons actually, I thought when I started this blog maybe 3 years ago, that I could grow my business this way…. good luck! But it really has become a passion for me, the fact that I let people into my life. I share what I want, I try not to hurt anyone, but I try to be as real and honest as I can without sharing too much.

My wonderful, awesome, cute, cuddly, husband

My wonderful, awesome, cute, cuddly, husband

My husband reads my blog. He tells me that he knows more about me after reading my blog than he can get just talking to me! My niece tells me that I sound smarter in my blog than in person! Ha! Figures.

I am  a people person, I have shared my blog on my facebook profile because I don’t mind if my neighbour or my aunt or my doctor’s secretary knows who I am. I am proud of who I am, and I don’t mind if others judge me. I am sure that some of my family has seen the posting about the troubles with my dad, and they want to say something, or they just want to judge me silently. I don’t mind. These people are my family. I love them no matter what they think of me. I am sure that they feel the same way. I love my parents, and everyone I have told you about during the life of my blog, if I didn’t, you wouldn’t know who they are! Simple.

There are a lot of reasons why people do what they do. I see a lot of things posted on facebook about what people ate or something they find funny, and they share a tiny bit of what they like or don’t like…but do we really know who they are? No. We know they find the dog on a rocking horse video funny or that they think that carving watermelons is fascinating. I think they are funny and fascinating as well, but I have more to say. I have more to share. People are curious, people want to know other people. Whether it be for gossip or concern, I have not seen anyone pass up getting information on another person. We are curious. I therefore, am an open book.
The real benefit for me is that I enjoy writing. I would love to write a book. My husband, bless him, has written more novels than I can count. I tried it once. I finished one chapter, and my mind went blank. What I wrote was decent, but I had no story plan and had no idea where to go after the first chapter. So, I write little poems (since I was a teenager) and I journal. I even tried writing songs. Now, I have found how I can write. It goes into the world, so every word posted is published via web immediately, and it is completely free! It does not get better than that!

I watched a documentary last night called HAPPY-POSTER-2happy it is about people finding their happiness and measuring happiness in people. I wondered, “am I really happy?”. I came to the conclusion, that if I did not have this personality of constant worry and taking on others emotions, I am superbly happy! I love my whole existence! My job is awesome, and the fact that I work with my best friend is even better…and she is my niece…there is a trifecta right there! Also, my family. Geez, the man who I chose for the rest of my life…we chose each other, but I feel like I picked him, took him home and he is mine! ha ha! I love him with everything I have. He is my true best friend! Then, the children! The little pieces of me and my husband put together to make a creation of its own! It’s completely awesome! They are so great, funny, and soooooo cute! My God! My love for them hurts me! Ha ha! Literally sometimes! Seriously, if you want to sit on my lap, don’t dig those little elbows into my stomache, they feel like little daggers! And my pets of course. Then my home. I thought for a while that we needed a bigger home. We always thought we needed more, bigger would make us happier, let us spread out….but then I thought, NO! If we get a bigger home, we have a bigger mortgage, higher taxes, more money for utilities and we are more spread out. We would have seperate rooms to do things. We would be seperated. I love my little house. It fits us perfectly. It needs work, and I love to improve things, and organize. My kids sometimes feel like they are right on top of me all the time, but why would I want to change that? They love to be around their parents. We are a close family. It is hard sometimes to get the kids to go play in their rooms. They would rather play in the living room together where they can see Gord and I. 082

My niece has explained to her children that my kids are different. They are with their parents all the time. They are always hugging and playing and talking, and they hardly ever get to play video games. I don’t mind her saying this at all. It is true. And I find it odd that it is “normal” now that kids are on a game system for hours at a time. Well, my kids play, read, and we play together.

We are not perfect by any means, but I have to say, I have it pretty darn good! Even though I bitch about things, it all works out! You would not read my blog if it was all sunshine and rainbows anyway!

My friend Kathy Milliken tells me to journal, it is healthy, it is a way of coping. She is my “person”, you know, that one person that you HAVE to go to see. The one that listens, I mean, she gets paid for it, but she is a genuine friend as well! Ha ha!

Stop! And Take it All In!

5 Nov

My average day begins at about 5 am when my alarm clock goes off.alarm_clock_10 I get up and go to the bathroom, where I have everything I need to get ready for work. I get my clothes ready the night before so I don’t wake anyone up. I get dressed, put a hat on my head and brush my teeth. I grab an apple from the fridge for lunch, put on my shoes and coat and leave for work. I have been walking to work, I only leave a couple of blocks from the bakery. I get to work, put on my head phones and play classical music to get me into the groove of the baking I have yet to do.AMY LOOKING SUPER HOT I then, bake 120-240 cupcakes, make frosting and frost every one! I put them in the cupcake display and get the bakery ready to open. If I have time, at this point, I eat an apple with peanut butter, a glass of water and my vitamin. I open the store, and clean up my mess in the kitchen. Then I get on to other baking and decorating that has to be done. All day, I talk to people, take phone calls, organize the bakery, do some book work, itemize the supplies that I will need for the week coming and organize my staff and let them know what is happening and such.

busy_momWhen my day is done, I go home to my husband and children, dog and cat. The dog greets me at the door and my youngest comes running to me for a hug. I unload, and see what has to be done at home. My hubby is usually making supper. I want to sit. I want to sit and have some quiet and collect myself. I sit, but no quiet is to be had. I don’t really expect it to tell you the truth. I am just glad to be home. The kids usually have an activity or something, we prep for that, we eat supper and we are out the door. We get home, and I get the kids ready for bed and there is another half hour of reading bed time stories and another half hour of telling them to go to bed, keep quiet, go to sleep. Then there is quiet, which I do not know how to deal with anymore. I clean, I organize, I do laundry etc. By the time I sit down it is 9 or 9:30 and I am pooped! I go to bed with my book, I read maybe a page and fall asleep. Repeat.

In all of this whirlwind I just noticed, I do not look around. I have stopped looking at the little things. It is take your child to work day for grade 9’s today. My niece Jade is here with her mom Shanna. We have cake boards wrapped in coloured foil.take it in “ooh! Pretty!” she says to the colour of bright blue foil. This is when I realized it. It hit me like a purse to the face! When is the last time that I have appreciated even a colour? Then, more questions…. when is the last time I looked around and just stopped and took it all in? There are lots of things that I love, and people, but when do I slow down enough to appreciate everything? This, is something that I have to make a habit. I have been in a rut of living my life with the feeling that everything has to get done. It is so serious this way. I don’t want to be so serious. I want to stay young, and be a fun mommy and wife.

autumn-beauty-dawn-knuthToday, when I walk home, I am going to look at the leaves and I am not going to walk up my front steps and just look at what has to be done. I am going to look at it differently. I am going to joyfully walk up my steps and appreciate that I have a home, which is warm and dry and filled with the people I love the most. I am going to say hi and pet my dog, not get annoyed because she trips me every time. I am going to appreciate the fact that I have such a loving and loyal pet who looks forward to seeing me. I am going to take off my shoes and take a load off. I will have a tea and talk with my husband about the day. I will see what has to be done, but I will worry about it later. I will go out and rake the leaves  with my kids and take pictures of them playing in the leaves. I will make a house out of leaves with my son. He loves to do this!

I, Amy Bourgon, am going to Stop! And Take it All In!see beauty

Steady Onto Normal

3 Nov

It has happened! My dad has called me!happy_little_girl_speaking_by_cell_phone_canvas-re895f87f10194fa48d935152d8b115ba_2aw2w_8byvr_512 You have no idea the relief that I felt when I saw the number show up on the phone! I was so frazzled as a matter of fact, that I dropped the phone! It just slipped through my fingers, which made the phone turn off completely, so I had to wait to turn it on and let it do it’s thing before I could dial the number back! I was kind of hesitant on how to talk, but he just started talking to me like nothing had happened, that is the country way after all! We talked for about half an hour about everything that had gone on in the time we hadn’t spoken, he spoke to the boys as well. After the phone call, I felt so much better! Like a weight had been lifted I suppose, but the kind that sits not on your shoulders, but in your neck somehow.

I know that he read my letter. Whether he agreed with me or not, he called. That is all that matters. I hope this issue will be a non issue for the rest of time! We are vegan, we will stay vegan, and it is going to be harder to have no gmo’s in our home as well. Since my dad is a farmer, and he uses beans that have been treated, this is going to be very tough for him, but our choice is not his.GMO-free-label This is all I can offer for consolation to him. I will in turn have to live with the fact that my parents cannot guarantee that our children don’t intake gmo’s while they have them under their care. can’t even guarantee that for my kids, I can’t expect them to do it. I am scared to get cancer. I am scared for my husband and children as well. I do not want my children to be unhealthy. I know they are not, and their health just gets better the more my husband and I educate ourselves, but I worry just the same. I cannot control what they eat forever. At some point, maybe one of them will want to eat meat when they are grown. I cannot stop this. I can only guide the choices they make while I am raising them.

On another note, I called my parents on Sunday. I reached my mother. This was awkward a little as well! I know that she knows and she knows that I know, kind of thing. She did not mention the letters either, or what happened between us. We exchanged information, and we both said “sorry” I suppose in our own ways. She told me that she saw something where they made some sort of cream or something from cashews.hand This, I gathered was her telling me that she would support us. It gets hard to read between the lines. I do not like to do it, but I have to. I would rather say things, or write them down and let the other person know. This is not the way my parents were raised I suppose. Although, my dad is quicker to speak his feelings to me than my mother. He really is a caring and loving person, his pride and stubbornness get in the way sometimes. He is a little (lot) cranky too! Ha ha!  So, mom spoke to the boys, she is planning to take them for a weekend. I think they both missed the boys. Ah, forget that, everyone missed everyone. It has been a whole month since I have seen my parents! That is too long. I am proud to say, “I want my mommy!”

Now, that we are almost back on track, we are going steady onto normal. It won’t be immediate, but we have to start somewhere! empath-a-blessing-and-curse

I look forward to seeing my parents, having them around me, and watching them love my children. I am an extension of all of those I hold close to me. I absorb emotions. This is why my opinions are so strong and my own emotions are almost exaggerated. I have to hear myself, I have to recognize my own emotions amongst everyone elses. My love is deep, which makes it easy to hurt me as well. You know, things just aren’t realized until you speak them aloud or write them down! Epiphany? Maybe!

All in all….. I am happy right now. happy