Not so Happy Mommy

19 Oct

Again, I go on about my parental situation. It has really overcome everything that I think about on a regular basis, and now it is starting to effect my parenting skills. I think that I am a pretty good Mommy. I am very loving and my kids have no doubts that I love them at all. We play games together and cuddle and I teach them as much as I can, but as of late, my patience really wears thin.Cold-shower This morning, I was feeling pretty down in the dumps and I wanted to have a nice quiet morning with a tea and my book. That is not what happened, I am sure all of those out there with children understand. For those of you that have no clue…. just wait…..you will get it!
Or, if you don’t think you will…..just think of having the most relaxing hot shower that you have ever had in your life, and then imagine that someone flushed the toilet! Yikes! That is cold….what a bummer it just ruined your most enjoyable relaxing time….that, is a little bit of an idea what it can be like!

noisyAny how, I am a very noise sensitive person, especially when I am worried or stressed or upset about something….so, a

ll of the time! My kids are the loudest things in my home. I like quiet to focus and straighten things out in my head. I cannot multi-task this at all. It fries my nerves to be stressed out and have the kids be absolute nut cases. There I was, completely defeated, sitting in the chair, my nerves frazzled and my husband looking at me as if to say,” our kids are crazy, whattaya gonna do?” as my youngest is running around the living room with his shirt over his head, and making some sort of braying noise. I know, this sounds very comical, but at the moment, I could not enjoy the absolute ridiculousness of my baby boy. I started to cry and so, I left the room and sat in the bathroom until the tears were successfully spewed and I could conduct myself like a regular mommy. I was still down in the dumpy’s until I could talk to my husband.mom-and-son-laughing
I was grateful that I could talk to him and he understands, but I really felt horrible that all of this tension and non communication between my parents and I was showing up in my mothering skills. Lately, it has been pretty hard to be easy going and actually laugh at my kids who are crazy, without my husband laughing first, and I follow with a laugh because he kind of shows me when something is funny. This is not me. I’m funny and crazy, I should identify when my kids are funny.

So, wanting to purge these feelings and so that I know that I have done what I could, I wrote my dad a letter. To give you a little back story, my parents aren’t supportive in our choice to be…..VEGAN! I know, it’s scary…ha ha. So, there was a giant blow out with my dad, which, in the last 20 years has always had a bug up his butt! Nothing is good enough and if it wasn’t his idea or he didn’t make the choice, it is wrong. Plain and simple. Honestly, I cannot remember the last nice thing that he has said to anyone. He is sick, his heart is failing and he has a dead kidney, he has had numerous heart procedures and has had a back surgery and prostate cancer. This is a little much for one person to deal with, but wouldn’t that encourage someone to appreciate every day and every family member and friend?

In my need to improve my psyche, I needed to get the feelings out in a letter. I will mail it.

letterI am going to let you read it…….

Dear Dad,

It has been two weeks now, and there has been no contact from either of you. I wrote mom a letter and I haven’t heard anything. Nobody has even called the kids. I thought I should let you in on how I really feel, with no shouting.  I may have reacted harshly, but everyone has a breaking point. Over the last few years your negativity and put-downs have gotten worse. It’s really overwhelming and hard to have a nice visit. We, as a family has chosen to be vegan. Adam is lactose intolerant in the first place, we just went a step further. We get all of our nutrients the way we eat, nobody is malnourished. I love how we eat. I have never asked you to love it, I have never pushed anything on to you, I have never expected you to see it our way or to eat how we eat. I have said that your health would be better, but that is only after you have been such a bully that I had to say something. I would never ask you to change how you eat. I just want a little support from my parents. If I ask you to try some food, it’s only because I made it and am proud, so I want you to try it. We bring our own food to your house because you and mom have no idea what we eat. We don’t make our diet an issue, you and mom do. We made do no matter where we are. Eat meat in front of us, we don’t care. Really! There is no good reason that gives you the rights to put the way we live down, especially in front of my husband and children. I feel picked on and bullied. I feel like I have to defend every choice I make, everything that we do or don’t do. My kids hear a lot of negativity from you. You want them to always think that grandpa is grumpy?  Why do you want us to be any different from who we are? Do you not approve of us that much? Are we hurting you when we visit? Do we make you angry?  Do we offend you?  Just love us and support us. I need my dad, the kids need their grandpa. I need my mom too. I think about you both every day, and I cry most times. I know you are sick, and in pain, and it makes you grumpy and negative, but it is pushing your family away.  I love you. I hope you love me too. Stop hurting me. Love and support is all I ever wanted. Life is short, and it’s better with family to love and trust. We all miss you,   Love Ames

So, that is the letter. I said all I felt, with leaving some other things out that would sound too mushy and soft and others that would sound pretty mean. I just want my point across. I will mail this tomorrow and see what comes out of it!

I hope my parents at least talk to the kids. It is not their fault and they love their grandma and grandpa. It’s the only ones they have! i want this fixed. It’s taking over everything. Making pies for Thanksgiving was hell without talking to my mom. I hate this. I am my mother’s only child. I just don’t get it.

i dont get it

I want to be a great and terrific mommy. I want to be the mommy that my kids love to be around and have fun with. Right now, I just want to do better for them.

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