Get Outta My Mind!

23 Jul

For all of the trials, ups and downs, etc. that comes with having kids…..the anxiety never leaves me! I worry. Plain and simple. I worry about….. EVERYTHING! Especially with my children. The most precious things that I have in my life, in my posession. If they are not with me I worry even more. I know it sounds excessive, but even when they are with my parents, I worry. I worry about accidents happening usually, and I know it is because I was in a terrible car accident when I was 8 and could have died. This, has made me anxious. I go into hyperventilation when I cannot put on my seatbelt. I will not move the vehicle if everyone is not buckled up. It is so bad, that I worry about which route I take somewhere, like, what are the odds that the road I am taking is going to have a horrible accident? Crazy, I know.

So, my parents took my children on a little vacation. Not far, Niagara Falls, and Great Wolf Lodge. I know they are going to have a ton of fun! It is the longest that they have both been away from me, and it is taking a lot to be in constant worry state. It feels good to have some peace and quiet, but it does not last long when I start thinking. So, I have to keep busy and occupied. We took the kids to my parents house on Sunday, and when my hubby and I were about to leave, we hug and kiss the kids, my youngest (5) was fine, “bye mom”, as he rides his little bike around the driveway. My oldest is a different story:crying-baby-300x300  crying, I mean  tears flowing down his face and it broke my heart. He didn’t want to let me go. He kept saying “I don’t want you to go”. Ugh, It was rough. I have a hard time letting go in the first place, let alone the fact that he is giving me even more concern! He is in the end of the driveway crying and waving as we are leaving. In my crazy brain, I start thinking that this is his super sense premonition. He is telling me in a way that something bad is going to happen. This feeling never leaves me when something like this happens. It makes me very uneasy. I try to get out of the house so early in the morning that the kids don’t even see me leave. This way I won’t deal with any crying that will unbalance my feelings for the day and make me very anxious.

I tend to soak up everyone’s feelings that they are radiating around them. This really and truly sucks….to be blunt. People have thought that I was a mind reader. I feel feelings. If you picture a speaker, and those cartoon lines that are sound waves,aura this is how feelings radiate around a person, and I can see them and feel them better than most people. This is very uncomfortable at times, or it can be fun. It is always something! ha ha! I always feel like I have to be “on” when I am visiting with anyone, except for my immediate family. Sometimes I am super comfortable. Most times I am not. It’s funny that I haven’t thought about this until now, but I am always being who I think the other person/people need me to be. This can be anything from a mother figure, a best friend, a business person, etc. This is tiring. I am along this trip of life, trying to find me and be comfortable in my own skin, yet I am still bending and twisting into other forms. Which brings to me a question, am I truly myself in all of these instances? I think maybe I am, I just amplify some aspects of myself to make others comfortable. Maybe this is why I have made it so easy in the past to be taken advantage of. Bingo! There is some self actualization right there!

I know for sure I am always anxious. Worry will never leave me. But I have to work on the morphing myself to please others bit. I know that nobody asks me to do this, I do it of my own free will… not realizing. How do I stop?

My husband is the one that makes me very anxious as well. He is my roots when I am floating, but he also has an anger issue, not with anyone but himself though. Pain, can throw him for a loop and make him angry, this is the worst feeling for me. Feeling his anger is really really terrible for me.anger I don’t anger easily, and feeling his anger rise in such a short time, is very off putting for me. I go to the place where I think it is my fault, even though he is not projecting his anger on to me. I hope I am clear describing all of this. My husband is not violent whatsoever and has respect for me, he is great,  his anger is always directed towards himself. Just to be clear!

My neighbour, who is my very close friend, is painting her bedroom, and this is making her different. I was helping her paint, and I could feel her frayed nerves. This made me very uneasy and I had to tell her to calm down because I was feeling her feelings. I ended up going to her house when she was at work and completing most of the rest of the job. I not only wanted to help her out, painting calms me, but I wanted her to stop feeling so frazzled. This might sound a little selfish, but it wasn’t done with that intent. I guess I don’t realize why I do these things until I think about it afterwards. Plus, I like being a good friend. It makes me happy to make others happy…..uh oh, there is another self realization right there. I like to make people happy, because it reflects onto my feelings.

Oops! Ha Ha!Empathy-

 

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