Archive | July, 2014

Get Outta My Mind!

23 Jul

For all of the trials, ups and downs, etc. that comes with having kids…..the anxiety never leaves me! I worry. Plain and simple. I worry about….. EVERYTHING! Especially with my children. The most precious things that I have in my life, in my posession. If they are not with me I worry even more. I know it sounds excessive, but even when they are with my parents, I worry. I worry about accidents happening usually, and I know it is because I was in a terrible car accident when I was 8 and could have died. This, has made me anxious. I go into hyperventilation when I cannot put on my seatbelt. I will not move the vehicle if everyone is not buckled up. It is so bad, that I worry about which route I take somewhere, like, what are the odds that the road I am taking is going to have a horrible accident? Crazy, I know.

So, my parents took my children on a little vacation. Not far, Niagara Falls, and Great Wolf Lodge. I know they are going to have a ton of fun! It is the longest that they have both been away from me, and it is taking a lot to be in constant worry state. It feels good to have some peace and quiet, but it does not last long when I start thinking. So, I have to keep busy and occupied. We took the kids to my parents house on Sunday, and when my hubby and I were about to leave, we hug and kiss the kids, my youngest (5) was fine, “bye mom”, as he rides his little bike around the driveway. My oldest is a different story:crying-baby-300x300  crying, I mean  tears flowing down his face and it broke my heart. He didn’t want to let me go. He kept saying “I don’t want you to go”. Ugh, It was rough. I have a hard time letting go in the first place, let alone the fact that he is giving me even more concern! He is in the end of the driveway crying and waving as we are leaving. In my crazy brain, I start thinking that this is his super sense premonition. He is telling me in a way that something bad is going to happen. This feeling never leaves me when something like this happens. It makes me very uneasy. I try to get out of the house so early in the morning that the kids don’t even see me leave. This way I won’t deal with any crying that will unbalance my feelings for the day and make me very anxious.

I tend to soak up everyone’s feelings that they are radiating around them. This really and truly sucks….to be blunt. People have thought that I was a mind reader. I feel feelings. If you picture a speaker, and those cartoon lines that are sound waves,aura this is how feelings radiate around a person, and I can see them and feel them better than most people. This is very uncomfortable at times, or it can be fun. It is always something! ha ha! I always feel like I have to be “on” when I am visiting with anyone, except for my immediate family. Sometimes I am super comfortable. Most times I am not. It’s funny that I haven’t thought about this until now, but I am always being who I think the other person/people need me to be. This can be anything from a mother figure, a best friend, a business person, etc. This is tiring. I am along this trip of life, trying to find me and be comfortable in my own skin, yet I am still bending and twisting into other forms. Which brings to me a question, am I truly myself in all of these instances? I think maybe I am, I just amplify some aspects of myself to make others comfortable. Maybe this is why I have made it so easy in the past to be taken advantage of. Bingo! There is some self actualization right there!

I know for sure I am always anxious. Worry will never leave me. But I have to work on the morphing myself to please others bit. I know that nobody asks me to do this, I do it of my own free will… not realizing. How do I stop?

My husband is the one that makes me very anxious as well. He is my roots when I am floating, but he also has an anger issue, not with anyone but himself though. Pain, can throw him for a loop and make him angry, this is the worst feeling for me. Feeling his anger is really really terrible for me.anger I don’t anger easily, and feeling his anger rise in such a short time, is very off putting for me. I go to the place where I think it is my fault, even though he is not projecting his anger on to me. I hope I am clear describing all of this. My husband is not violent whatsoever and has respect for me, he is great,  his anger is always directed towards himself. Just to be clear!

My neighbour, who is my very close friend, is painting her bedroom, and this is making her different. I was helping her paint, and I could feel her frayed nerves. This made me very uneasy and I had to tell her to calm down because I was feeling her feelings. I ended up going to her house when she was at work and completing most of the rest of the job. I not only wanted to help her out, painting calms me, but I wanted her to stop feeling so frazzled. This might sound a little selfish, but it wasn’t done with that intent. I guess I don’t realize why I do these things until I think about it afterwards. Plus, I like being a good friend. It makes me happy to make others happy…..uh oh, there is another self realization right there. I like to make people happy, because it reflects onto my feelings.

Oops! Ha Ha!Empathy-

 

Kids Are Cruel

18 Jul

When I say that kids are cruel, I mean, kids do not understand the things that they say are hurtful….to their parents! Man! My kids regularly hurt my feelings! I know, it sucks to admit this because as a parent I should understand where they are in their life, in their comprehension of the world around them and such. But sometimes I just can’t! I was with my youngest son at the YMCA, watching my oldest son’s swimming lessons. I had him on the counter in front of me, and I went to kiss him and I told him that I loved him. He backed away from my kiss and said “no, I don’t love you mommy”….OUCH! That stung me so much that I had tears starting to form in my eyes, I was truly hurt and offended at his reaction. I told him that it wasn’t nice and that he hurt my feelings. His reaction was “I love you mommy. I love you” Which, to be honest, made my chest relax. But as a parent what do we do? I know, they are testing us. This little one was testing me, what for, I have no idea. Maybe to see if he can inflict pain by his words, or to know the full meaning of Love? Whatever it was, it sucked hard! He was fine after that and never said anything like that again. But he tends to say no to things and be a little harsh, which we are trying to make him understand how rude that is.

Not only did this happen, but 2 days later, my oldest says something that can knock me to the floor and still makes me think and wonder, and still hurt from. So, we were hanging out on the “family bed” which is my hubby and I’s bed, which everyone congregates on when I would like to lay down and rest. My oldest son is sitting behind me doing an impression of a very annoying character on a tv show that they like to watch. I tease him and push him off the bed. I did not push hard, I more or less slid him off the bed, he did not fall. I did this a couple of times. Every time he was doing this voice in my ear. So, that passes, and everyone moves, hubby goes to the kitchen for something, the little one is playing with an animal and my oldest lays down with me this time. He is doing a crossword and we are talking. I look at the clock and tease him that he is going to bed….it is 7 pm. He says to me “it’s only because you don’t want me around”…..YIKES! This is another shock to my system. I ask him why he would say this. He says because I pushed him away from me earlier. I explain to him why he was pushed away. He does not know when to stop when he thinks he is being funny. And I continue to tell him that I always want him around and he is mistaken. “I love you” I say, “I always want you around me”. He does not look at me, and proceeds to ask me a question about his crossword. This little boy is 7 years old and well advanced for his age. His comprehension is amazing as well as his reading level. I am not sure if he believed what he said or not. I am at a loss for this one, and It still stings badly!

I want to resolve this, but I think that I would only be resolving it for my own mind, and he just said what he said and hasn’t thought about it since. I can’t be sure.

In any case, kids are cruel. Our children are cruel to us and they say mean things, which they don’t realize hurt us. Where is this learned? Is this nature or nurture? Testing the waters to see how much they can get away with, to see how important they are to us, to see how much we listen to them etc. I am sure I have said something hurtful to my mother as a child, not knowing. It does not make it easier whatsoever. 

It’s funny that we are adults and have the upper hand, we are more learned and experienced, but a child can bring us to our knees!

Sugar Lately

18 Jul

I think it’s about time that I share some more of our edible creations that we have sculpted in the last while! Shanna ( the manager, my niece, my besty) is my “right hand man” so to speak. She takes care of the shop when I am not there and she can decorate all kinds of cakes like I can. We are kind of a dream team of the Sarnia cake world….if there was a cake world of Sarnia! We kick out about 30-50 cakes every weekend, which is quite a feat, especially when I have been ill for the last 3 weeks! Our system works though, and it’s getting better the more we tweak it every now and then!

These are some of our team effort creations, which they all are now!

Hand sculpted, hand painted cake. Everything is made from cake and fondant

Hand sculpted, hand painted cake. Everything is made from cake and fondant

I love to sculpt cakes and paint them. To mold the fondant in my hands is so satisfying! I love creating! This is when I really shine! I become completely unaware of everything that goes on around me when I am doing this. This is where my great satisfaction lies. The turtle, I had so much fun sculpting and painting….just the transition from one stage to another gives me a rush! It used to be a round cake…now.. ta da! It’s a realistic looking turtle! Ha ha!

Wedding cakes are a little more stressful! It HAS to be right. If you think about making and decorating a wedding cake, you start getting the sweats! Ha ha! It’s better than that for me now that I am used to it, but it still is a high stress situation. There are over 100 people that will see this cake, and then eat it. They judge it twice! Harshly I might add! This is why there is a higher price to wedding cakes. High stress.

All buttercream covered cake with hand made fondant monkeys on the top!

All buttercream covered cake with hand made fondant monkeys on the top!

Top tier cake covered in buttercream with fondant bow/ribbon, cupcakes with buttercream roses.

Top tier cake covered in buttercream with fondant bow/ribbon, cupcakes with buttercream roses.

A mallard, it is all cake with inside structure for the head.

A mallard, it is all cake with inside structure for the head.

I also do not ask questions about why the customer wants what they want. If they want body-less legs doing the splits, then that is what they get (it has happened). If they want two guys on the top of a cake fishing for a girl, then that is what they get. Within reason I might add. I will not do vulgar cakes. I have a cute little store front which is child friendly, I will not have anything going out the door that people would be offended of.  Bake Me A Cake is the name! 

 

The Fall of the Apple

17 Jul

apples_on_apple_tree
“They” say that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, in essence, I am sure it is a true statement. We are all a piece of our parents, the blood, the looks sometimes, maybe even the way we talk or hold ourselves, and as we grow older, we remind ourselves of our parents more often than not. We are all different, and in time I find either we adopt our parent’s ways of life, or we veer off track hard. Given that different generations have their ups and downs, their beliefs, and what is popular changes. But I ask myself how close to being my mother I really am. And, how did I get there?

Now, my mother is the tree and I am the apple. This apple did not have a direct path down to fall off the tree. I have fallen through a numerous amount of shrubs before I hit the ground to make roots of my own. Being a single mother, my mom had some help from friends, family and different babysitters. I was very easily influenced as a child and even as a young adult….sometimes even now. I tend to take on other traits that I find endearing or respectable in others, this changes my path of thinking and introduces me to way more than I had imagined. My mother was/is a very strict parent. She had to. She worked 12 hour shifts, she put herself through college at 40, and bought a house on her own. She worked a lot when I was little, so much so, that I spent a good part of my early life at the babysitters house, which was great for both of us. Janie was/is a caring child care provider, with 3 children of her own, she took on foster children as well as taking on babysitting. These days I remember being a busy and curious little girl. Picking fresh beans in the garden and eating them, playing in the sandbox, legos and helping her in the kitchen, I would get to make my own pie with the left over dough she had, we even made home made ice cream! My mother was caring, not over affectionate though.mom I was always trying to find ways to get her to be near me. I would pretend to fall asleep on the couch so that she would have to carry me to bed. I loved this.

I learned hard work early on. I saw how often my mother worked, and I was expected to do things around the house as well. I learned to do the laundry when I was 8 and I also did the dishes and could make myself breakfast and such. I mowed the lawn and helped clean the house. There was no room for whining….mother did not take to that at all.

chores1Now that I am an adult, I can see the traits that I have carried on. Hard work and the expectation of my children to work hard as well. I want them to be children while they can, but it does not hurt my 7 year old to do the dishes regularly and clean the cat litter box. My 5 year old needs a little more work to get his little bum in gear still! In time! I admit, that I would not have a business of my own if I hadn’t been raised by my mother, She is definitely the strongest influence that I have to kick my own butt. Sometimes I am too hard on myself, which is where I am not like her at all, she is very hard on herself as well….probably moreso than I, but she does not take the time to relax and pamper herself. I don’t think that she has ever had a massage or a pedicure. Running the business means being under an intense amount of stress and constant worry. Being a mother already kicks these feelings into gear, never mind owning a business! Anyhow, I have been finding ways to relax and to find the initial reasons on my feelings. Being proactive is how I see it. Knowing the roots of my stress and how to handle it in the future is a useful tool, however, medical doctors are not in my routine. I am slowly backing off the medical industry all together. Like I said before, if I am cut in half, please take me to the hospital to be repaired, other than the physical injuries, I try to stay more natural. I see someone that does medical intuition, I have seen a homeopath and a holistic nutritionist. These all make me feel better. These all have natural ways to cure what is wrong, and they talk with me on how to deal with things in a natural way. Let my body tell me, get in touch with who I am and how I deal with things. Which is to say that your body reacts to everything. Emotions, feelings and diet have almost everything to do with the physical health of your body.

My mother, does not go this route at all! It has taken a lot for her to go to the doctor regularly. Her point of view for years was that if she was sick, she didn’t want to know about it. Just let it go. She now goes to the doctor. High blood pressure and a ton of stress, she smokes still as well. I know that she is not as healthy as she could be, I do not tell her this. She would change the subject or brush it off like she does so well. I am concerned of course. She has not really warmed up to my husband and I’s eating habits either. She still wants to feed my children bologna and chicken nuggets. My 5 year old does not quite understand our choices, which makes him a prime target for my parents to feed him whatever they want him to ingest. This scares me.

However, I do know that they will not harm my children, they will just not respect our wishes for eating habits. My ideals for the way that I live my life are completely different than what I was raised with and how to proceed through life day to day. I do not believe in eating animal products on a day to day basis.holistic I will never ingest a pig, cow, chicken, deer etc. ever again. On a daily basis, I will not intake milk or eggs on my own accord. I understand that going out is a little harder, and if there is butter in something, I am not going to die. I decide that holistic treatment for my body and mind is more of the route I would like to follow, and I am in touch with my feelings. I love. I love to love, hug and cuddle, touch….all of it. It feels good.Hugs are great. I do not get many from my mother, and I am not sure why.

I am not an apple that has fallen close to the tree. We may be joined by the same roots, but we are far from  being like each other. Maybe our humour and laugh, maybe how we talk and such, but beliefs are completely different. It makes me wonder how far my children will fall from me! As long as they are better for it, I am good with it and I will try to accept and encourage what they find important in their life.

How far did you fall?apple-love

Allergies Mix with Nothing!

16 Jul

So, over the last 3-4 weeks I have been very ill, with what I thought was seasonal allergies! Watery red eyes, runny nose, congestion and just overall feeling like a steaming pile of you know what. I went to a Holistic Nutritionist yesterday for allergy testing. This was very cool! I remember getting an allergy test when I was a kid. A whole bunch of little needles in my back injecting me with all kinds of things that could be potentially harmful to my body. At the end, my back looked like I had been attacked by mosquitoes. It was a terrible experience. I know, I know, some of you are thinking,”suck it up already”, but if you knew all the pokes and prods I had received already by that point, being a 9 year old child, this was just another experience that I had to choked down my tears.

Anyways, I went to Meagan Esser, she practices out of the Bluewater Nutrition & Health in Sarnia. She was so easy to talk to and I felt comfortable immediately. I also felt more at ease knowing that I would not be poked or be prescribed any medication. The testing for allergies is amazing. It’s pretty great how our bodies are so knowledgeable! If we would just listen! My body has been telling me something for the last little while, and I had not been listening… usually it takes an outside source to tell you something that you already knew to get your butt in gear!

Apparently, I am allergic to caffeine AND coffee! UGH!! It makes sense, but I felt like screaming “NOOOOO!!!”, busy wedding season, getting up at 5 am to bake 240 cupcakes every morning and spending at least 12 hours at work every day is NOT conducive to being allergic to caffeine! By the time I get home, I have a 5 and 7 year old who just want me to entertain them until they go to bed! Lets go mom, lets go, what can we do? I’m bored, can we go somewhere, can we do something? AH! I coffee would be great! MMMMmmmm, it smells so good! And it is fantastic with chocolate almond milk! Mmm. 

Enough! I will survive, I will drink decaf tea. I will not drink any soda (which I don’t anyhow). I will have to rest more, calm down and keep the stress level low (hahahaha) and eat properly. I haven’t been taking care of myself. Just like a mother and business owner, I come last. I can have that no more. I have to eat breakfast, or take the time at night to make a juice, I have to take my vitamins. I have been doing this for the last 3 days and I have been feeling better! My eyes are not yucky any more, my nose is not drippy and my cough is almost all gone. I did get light headed last night, but I think that is the toxins still having to come out.

I can concentrate better now, and I have more energy. Meagan did tell me that I have to make sure that I get enough vitamins that actually absorb into my body. Tablets don’t let the body absorb enough, but capsules do, that’s an easy switch! Done! But now, my husband is making an example of me in front of my kids. They better eat their dinner or they will end up getting sick like mommy…..great! That feels so great! Ugh! But, he did make me a lunch for work this morning. That was sweet!

So, from now on, I will take care of myself and eat all meals, eating lots of fruit and veggies, legumes, oats, etc. Whatever it takes! Except for swiss chard… hubby tried that at dinner last night, and it did not fly, that stuff is horrid! Neither I or the kids could eat it! And, it made me feel like a little kid because my husband is eagle eyes on me now with what I eat. Just eat it, he says…. I tried and couldn’t do it! Yep, there I was with a pile of it on my plate just like the kids! I was going to send myself to the corner! ha ha!

I highly recommend going to a holistic nutritionist, This was my first time and it will not be my last! I am trying to get away from seeing M.D.’s for everyday things that I get concerned with because I know better. I know that food can heal all. Food, and exercise and vitamins, can make mostly all well. If I get into an accident and need to be put back together, send me to a hospital! Alot more people are going this route now I noticed. It is everywhere now. Good. Now, just to get all the nay sayers either on board, or at least stop putting everyone else’s choices down!

In a perfect world

New Shop…. Here it is!

15 Jul

Finally, pictures of the new shop! It is so cute that it hurts! I love it! Let me know what you think!211 213 214 215 216

I am what I eat!

15 Jul

Since my whole household has turned vegan, eating has become a challenge for me. I am a very busy person and I cannot really eat anything before 8-9 am, even though I am up and working at 5:30. Since changing our eating lifestyle I have had more energy and my complexion is better, I have had some weight loss as well. Having said that, it is easy to get lazy. Being vegan is not for lazy people, you have to be prepared to prepare most of what you eat. There is no pre packaged healthy foods out there, they all have something in them that keep them on the shelf for an extended amount of time, and if you look at the ingredients…..well…. my rule is that if I can’t see the immediate source on which the ingredient is from, I put it down right away.  Another rule is that if I cannot pronounce it and it is in a pre packaged product, it is probably not good for me.

With all of that being said…. I had gotten lazy. I started working more (wedding season) and eating less fresh fruit and vegetables. I started eating more sushi (sans meat), and started eating more breads and even had some cheese every once in a while. Now, sushi can be good for you, in moderation. I wanted it every day. This is not good.

Three weeks to a month ago, I started getting symptoms of having allergies. I have never reacted to the weather outside like this in my life. When I was 10 I went through an allergy test and they found I was allergic to smoke and cats. Now, I used to smoke….I am admittedly borderline genius for taking up smoking, I know! Ha ha!…. but that is not all! NO! We…..have….yes…..a cat!  But since those tests were done over 20 years ago, I have had a couple of cats and the worst thing that happens to me is getting annoyed that the cat gets on the table an knocks over a glass of water which can ruin the wood. So, nothing ever came up in my 30 plus years that I was allergic to any pollens or anything else. Until now. I started having headaches and a stuffy head. All of my sinuses were completely clogged, so much so that my face hurt. I was having leaky eyes in the night and I know it sounds gross, but I had to unstick my eyes in the morning  just to see. Then I started getting a cough, and feeling less energetic. Every now and then I would feel a boost of energy, but not enough to make me completely feel well.

It all came to a head. I had had enough of this feeling like reheated garbage. It was terrible. Not to mention the fact that I was actually craving disgusting food. I wanted to eat  junk food, and french fries. I know, it is summer, and its easy to feel lazy, but it is even easier to go to my fridge and pick up an orange. I decided enough was enough and I made a fruit juice. That made me feel so much better almost instantly. Then, I had a veggie wrap and some grapes and strawberries. My head felt like I was dizzy. My hands were shaking…..so bad that I needed to go get my neice to come with me to the grocery store because I was afraid that I would fall, or that I couldn’t handle my kids by myself….. this is admittedly….shameful.  I went and bought some veggies and fruit and went home and made some fresh salads and made a healthy dinner for my family and I. After dinner I had to lie down because my head felt like it just came out of a paint mixer. Not fun. I eventually got up and went outside for some fresh air, watched my kids ride their bikes up and down the block. When my kids went to bed, so did I. This didn’t help. My spins had left me, as well as the shakes, but I didn’t get to sleep until after 3 am.

I do feel much better, with exception of the lack of sleep. I go to see a holistic nutritionist today. She will check me for all allergies and tell me what I need to eat, or not eat….or vitamins etc. I am very excited to go see her and see what she has to say.

I know for a fact that all of this could have been prevented if I ate as well as the rest of my family. I have to take the time at night to make myself a juice for the next morning. I have to make myself a lunch…. and eat it. My body is important. If I don’t take care of it, I cannot take care of anything or anyone else I care about. I had lost sight of the importance of healthy eating and was focusing on what had to be done for the business and for everyone else. Putting others ahead of me, I am completely guilty. I am a very mothering and sometime overbearing, over caring person, I have to use that to my advantage and just look in the mirror sometimes.

If you plan to eat a vegan diet, make sure you do your research on all of the supplements and things that you have to eat to stay healthy. We chose this lifestyle because it makes sense to us. We find that eating animal products is not necessary to life a healthy life, as long as you do it right. Not everyone is on board with our change, our families are having a terrible time accepting this. I am not certain as to why. It is what we eat, not who we are, but it does not make people less judgemental. It would be easier to tell my family that I am gay, than I am vegan. Sad, isn’t it?

Anyway, I will share the results of my appointment, and what she said to me. I am hoping it is enlightening, I am pretty sure it will be. This is the first time seeing a nutritionist and not a doctor for a health issue! I might be on my way to a complete naturalistic lifestyle! Just fulfilling my self-made prophecy of becoming a child of the earth… which we all are, just that I will accept it a little easier.

Stay sweet!  Peace!  Ha Ha!