The Ultimate Fear

12 Sep

So, school season is here! I took my oldest (who is 5) to school in the morning, my youngest (3 years old) was with me. Adam, the youngest had a major melt down that morning as he is adjusting to being away from his brother 5 days a week. It’s not easy for him, especially because he is painfully shy…..just an introverted kid. So, I was in the school yard with both of them, Adam had a bottle with him……yes, he has a bottle. This is his security blanket…when he gets upset, this is what he wants. It dosen’t even have to be full. So, standing there, and there is two other mothers standing together. The one mother nudges the other and nods her head towards my son. I got angry and stared at her. I had sunglasses on, but I wouldn’t stop looking at her. She has already assessed and judged me, and my 3 year old. I did not look away from her until I left. By this time I was furious… how dare she judge like that? She does not know my life, my kids personalities or mine. I wanted to say to her…”I know you just won the mother of the year award, so next time I make a decision about my kids, I should call you first!” But, of course I didn’t…..if you can’t say something nice …etc.

I was completely upset, and I kept thinking about it. The next day I talked to my friend Kathy about it, she put things in perspective for me….which I needed badly! She asked me if my surface emotion has a root emotion of joy or fear, of course I said fear because anger has nothing to do with joy. Now she told me to assess why I felt fear, which was not easy for me to pinpoint, but as soon as she said it, I knew she was right. I am afraid of being a bad mother, and by someone else judging my parenting and turning up their nose at my decision, I thought that I had failed, which made me angry, thinking that someone else judged me and I failed. The feeling of failure is such a strong force when mothering, that it can make you blind with surface emotions.

Sure, I know that it is stretching it for my 3 year old to have a bottle, but I really don’t think that it is the most important thing to worry about. He will get out of it, I will work with him to get out of his shell so that he becomes less dependent on it over time. Such is life. My kids are well taken care of, they are fed and clothed, clean and happy. Spoiled by grandparents (and by mom!). My emotions have travelled so far from anger now, that I feel pity for the other mother. She must have some deep seeded fear of her own if she is so judgemental on others without knowing or caring about the truth. Knowledge is power. I have enough motherly guilt and fears of my own, to have to worry about what other people think of me and the way that I mother my children!

They are my life, they are my heart, beating on the outside of my body. I would be an empty shell without them.

My little ones! Out for a stroll with mom on a beautiful day!

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