The Road Travelled

19 Oct

I have been in a plateau lately with weight loss and I am needing to find a new routine for the colder weather. I have started yoga, as you know and I love it…..but my body needs something more than that. Bike rides to work once or twice a week and an everyday walk to pick up the kids at school.  I am needing more and with the weather change, it’s a little more difficult to get out of the comfy clothes and from under the cozy blanket to get my ass up and move! This is the time to motivate myself. This is the time to not get complacent and “decide” it’s okay to take a break….nooooo….Hell No. I didn’t come this far to just sit on my ass now. This is a daily thing. This self talk. I have created a new person from the inside out…Wait….I have found my true self and she is not someone who just sits on the sidelines and watches….she is in it!

So, in another way to motivate myself, I have decided to share my weight loss journey with you, not just with words,  but with pictures. It makes it more real when the photos are not just for me. This is a difficult thing to do, I know judgements happen when pictures come out, but it’s not really going to change my goal and my self love because someone judges me harshly. It would have crushed me a year ago, but now, I am real, alive and full of joy and love. Enjoy! The first picture is of me after I had lost 28 pounds. This was the first picture that was taken. The pictures will go in order from here.20170423_08501120170507_08461220170518_07071520170625_21033120170827_13064320171015_080753This last picture was taken maybe 3 days ago.

It has been a journey but it is not over yet. I have another 70 ish pounds to go. I started at 297 pounds in April and I hope to get to 150 pounds. I am not giving myself a time limit. I want to do this in a moderate and thoughtful healthy way. I am not in a race, I am looking for health, fitness and longevity.

I have started some courses now through the library and over the next year I will continue to do so. I am prepping myself for college and looking forward to another “chapter” or stepping stones to self realization, betterment and an overall benefit to myself and my family! There is no destination, my journey is my destination daily. My truth is right here, right now.

Everyone is someone great, even if they don’t know it! Finding your greatness is so amazing! I encourage everyone to do it!

Thanks for reading! Love you all❤

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What I am Doing Now

13 Oct

With being that my life has done a complete turnaround and it is ever evolving, I  thought I would take an opportunity to let you know what it is exactly that I am doing.

What we already know: I am a vegetarian, I am on a personal spiritual path to enlightenment, I have a busy life, I have battled(and won) with depression and anxiety, I have so far lost  75 pounds and dropped approximately 5 pant sizes.

Now that I have progressed into my own personal journey so far, I am feeling that I need to experience more and really let myself expand. I love to listen to health podcasts on youtube while I work and I love to read about enlightenment and I have really started loving the whole experience of meditation. I have decided to use all of these in my every day life.

There is something called intermitten fasting, which has been scientifically proven to help our body and keep us at our best. It is very simple to do. You limit yourself to eating during a certain amount of hours during the day. 9,10,11 or 12 hours. 9 hours is optimal, so I have just started doing that. Last night my last bit of food was at 5:30 pm and this morning I had my first bit of food at 8:50am. Now, I have until 5:50pm today to consume my full daily caloric/nutritional intake. Coffee, and tea both count as food because our livers have to process it. Water is the only thing that counts as not being food. With this in mind, I am not going to be eating unhealthy food, I will eat as I usually do and try to stay away from sugars and breads or flours that turn into sugars. Over the last 6 months I have lessened my intake of bread and pastas and “junk food”, like bagels and muffins and such. I try to be very mindful of what I ingest into my body. Which, we have miraculous abilities with our bodies and it really deserves respect and the utmost care. I know that I falter, and I will continue to do so…..seriously, I will be damned if I am going to feel guilty for that glass of red wine. I will, however, feel guilty for those 6 glasses of wine. I am still training myself to be mindful and really think about what I am doing, and what I am about to do and how I will feel about it afterwards. If it dosen’t benefit me, then why would I do it? I have to constantly be aware. Not only of what I eat and drink, but for how I think and feel, act and react to as well. It takes work.

I  am an ever-learning, wonderful specimen of energy and light today. Every day, I choose to be, I will be. So are you.

With this fasting, I am more aware and intentional with when and what I eat. It has already started making me more mindful. I notice that when bettering myself in one way, it has positive effects in other ways as well. Being conscious of what and when I eat is making not only my body healthier, but my mind as well.

The next thing  I have started doing is Yoga. I am on my 3rd day of purposeful yoga. Before I did my yoga this  morning, I had my regular morning routine of work and then volunteering at the school and then back to work. I ate my breakfast and when I got home I made it my intention to practise yoga. I put on a video on youtube to do it. I was a little unsure before I started, just because I am still new to it and I want to get the maximum effect of it and I carried a little tension in my jaw from some everyday stresses. While I was doing it, I was listening to the instructor (beginners class) and she was very descriptive on the poses and the energy output and input that I should feel. I focused and was mindful and stretched and sweat a little bit. Afterwards, I felt peaceful and actually more in tune with my body. During yoga,  I could “listen” to my body and hear what it was telling me. My shoulders need to relax more and I need to practise more to get the flexibility that I would like. Also, my son’s long sleeve shirt is not the best to practise yoga  in. Before I started the video, I lit some incense and put out my crystals, and I also have my himalayan salt lamp on at all times. I can see yoga really benefitting me and my journey for the rest of my  life. It combines almost everything, it grounds me, it makes me mindful, it helps with flexibility and strength, and it helps me to relax. It is such a different combination of things all rolled into one fantastic practise! 3 days and I am in heaven!

The next thing, I have been doing for 6 months or less. I have been meditating. I  started off getting an app on my phone to help me out and help me make it into a habit. Then I started listening to guided meditations and I love it. Have you ever gotten a massage and then after, when you sit up your head is all groggy and swimmy and luxurious feeling? This is what it feels like to me when I come out of a meditation session. I feel new. I feel refreshed and calm. I suppose that Calm should be the magic word here. It changes my perspective on everything. If I was feeling upset about something and then I meditate, that feeling has gone away and I feel different on the whole subject. I see through opened eyes instead of unfocused and damaged eyes. I have been trying to make my home a more inviting and relaxing place to be. I  have made a huge effort in keeping my living space spic and span and I regularly light incense and have a lovely smell through the house. It really makes a difference. Plus, it keeps the kids in tip top shape when having to clean up after themselves constantly.

Listening is also key for me now. I listen to my body. I  listen to my mind and I listen to others without judgement, which is difficult when we have been “trained” by society to think negatively, not only in response to others and their actions, but in response to ourselves as well. Self talk is the most harmful and we do it all the time. When I listen to my body, I know that it does not like cheese, or alot of wheat and bread products. I know because I feel it and I see it. I trust myself.

Anyways, that is a little bit about what I am doing now and constantly trying to do new and interesting things and helpful things for my body and mind. I  will keep you updated on the intermitten fasting as well as the yoga practises I am trying!

Have a fantastic day! We are alive!

re:Birth

23 Sep

I have been absent in my sharing with you. I have been present in my life day by day.  The broken woman who has shared her tortured soul with you is no longer here. Who stands in her place is the same woman, but she has an enlightened soul with pure light radiating around and within her.

I, Amanda (Amy) J. Bourgon, have been reBorn.

As you may already know, I was in a deep deep depression, anxiety was crushing me and my head was clouded with memories of the past and the pain I had felt. I was gaining more and more weight as time went by. I didn’t really think that I deserved to be happy and I was quick to blame those who did me wrong for my situation I was in at the time. I got to a whopping 296.5 pounds. I am 5’7″ tall. My 3X sized clothing was feeling tight and when I  had a difficult reaching around myself to do anything, I knew it was time to change. I knew that the way I was going about things was not helping at all. I didn’t really know what to do or where to turn.

I started my therapy back up at the Sexual Assault Survivors Centre. I was retelling my story and getting it off my chest to someone who would have a conversation with me and I was getting that instant feedback I was looking for. Someone who wouldn’t judge me or tell me to get over it. It was helping, but I needed something more. I needed a whole new outlook…….well……ask and thou shall receive.

I started reading a book. One sentence kind of slapped me in the face to spin me right where I stood. After the dizzying blow, I looked around and nothing was the same. I chose to open up and see through some new eyes, to think with new thoughts and act with new purpose. Things come when we are ready.

At first everything I was reading and thinking about and listening to was so foreign, yet so simple, I was shocked every day at what I was soaking in. I still have monumental moments like this, it is just easier to adjust now that I have seen “the light” so to speak. Everyone’s journey is different and not everyone will find their way the same way I did, so I don’t really want to push on to you what specifically worked for me. I just want to let you know that it can be done, and my experience may be here to inspire you or for you to know that it is possible.

So, with reading a chapter of a book, my life had now changed. I dove into other books like that one, soaking it in, finding new ideas and thoughts that are so simple they make so much sense, it is often over looked or people don’t believe it.  I believe. I am proof. I am still learning.

Right now, what I truly know and believe is that we are the earth. We need to be grounded and to remember that we are all made of the same things. We are all atoms and cells, everything in the world is made of the most basic elements. I know that nothing or nobody is better than anything or anyone else. I am no better than the ladybug eating the leaf, the wolf stalking prey, the man who has broken the law. We all have purpose, we are all energy and all of our energies are different. I choose to try hard to have and give out good energy. I choose to smile at everyone, I choose to stop my mind from judging others and just accept them for who they are. There is a very popular saying out there right now that says “everyone has a story”. It is true. Everyone does have a story, those stories are none of my business and it is not my business to judge others. I have to spend my energies on good purposes and to control my own thoughts, and guide my children likewise. The energy that I put out, I get back, and I don’t know about you, but I want good to come back to me and by judging others and thinking bad thoughts is not going to get me that.

The hardest thing I have had to do since my “vision clearing” is to control my thoughts. It might seem like it is an easy thing to do, but it takes time and practise and discipline. Everytime you think something negative, stop it. Try to look at it in a different way. Turn “disasters” into a lesson. Turn blaming someone else for how you feel off. Our perception of the world is the one thing that takes a “bad day” and turns them into glorious days. We can control this. We control our own universe as we know it. When I found this out, I decided that I would no longer have bad days. I would turn my life around because it was all in my hands in the first place! I had this power all along!

Done are the days when I put myself down. Gone are the days when I “let” someone make me upset. I am trying to discipline myself to remembering 100% of the time that I make my own reality. So, I am worth being happy. I am creating and accepting my own happiness. I  forgave everyone. I didn’t really have to though, because it was not for me to forgive. I accepted the individuals who inflicted pain, I accepted who they are and I stopped the judgement that I had laid upon them in the first place. Their actions never represented them as people, or ever will. We are not our actions. Forgiveness was not necessary, acceptance was, and to tell you the honest truth…..it was easy. I was done with living in the past and hanging on to bad feelings that weren’t my feelings in the first place. Those feelings were coming from the person who I no longer was. I wake up everyday as a new person. I can’t go back, I don’t worry about what has happened before today. Why? I can’t change it, and everyday I am different and I have grown since yesterday. With that in mind, I don’t really worry about the future anymore either. It is not today. I know that what I do today is what matters. What I say and think and do today is what matters. Living for today is the only way I found my true happiness.

I am not my home, my car, my clothes, my body even. I am pure energy. I am the light that I radiate. I am the goodness that embodies me. I am life, I am earth, I am you. I am the feeling of peace, calm, happiness, joy.

Even though I am not any of the things you can say are superficial, I decide that with such a pureness of being, I need to treat my physical body with respect. The physical body is a very intricate machine. It is full of electricity and chain reactions and cells and things that are super complex. Our bodies are the most amazing super computers that we will ever own and be allowed to function. Most of us do not know how to use it. I am trying to learn. In order to be “enlightened”, I need to treat my body with the respect it deserves. It is holding and housing my other “body” my energy body. To be healthy is not just being fit and eating healthy, it is thinking healthy and your brain thinking the right thoughts and taking time to rest and clear thoughts as well.

I know, this is a 100% spin from where I used to be. I am more spiritual, which should not be confused with religious. I am not religious. I accept everyone as they are, I am guiding myself to no longer see race, age, sex, religion…..etc….it goes on and on. Everyone is me and I am everyone.

I may sound a little kooky to some…..but that dosen’t bother me.

I feel new feelings, I see through new eyes. I am at peace. I accept the love I recieve and I believe it when someone says nice things to me. I let others know my joy, but I don’t really need to….they see it in my face, they may also see my aura, which, I have been told is overwhelmingly light and has brought someone I know to tears of joy and overwhelmed her. Some people who have known me for years and years do not recognize me. My face is the same. My demeanor, my body, my thoughts and my energy is completely different.

You can do this to0, if you are depressed and/or anxious and overweight or just grumpy! Change can happen. You have to decide.

You control your life.

So far, I have lost 70.5 pounds, I have gained about 7 new friends (true friends), and good things are coming back to me. I am cashing in on all of the good energy which has made a full circle! What we put out, we get back! I am healthier, happier, I have better relationships, my kids are happier and healthier, my marriage is fantastic(it has never been otherwise), and I believe that I can DO…..fill in the blank. Anything.

Today is a wonderful day. From now on, everyday is a fantastic day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First Light

3 Aug

When faced with darkness, I was frightened.  The more scared I got, the longer the darkness prevailed, it became my shawl, my comfort, my shroud. At the deepest depths of the darkness, I shunned the light, I was frightened of the hope that the light represented. Only when I realized that the darkness was of my own creation, it was no longer a comfortable misery.

A stream of light flickered in my consciousness. My inner battle had begun and I had become determined to stand and battle my own darkness.

I made up my mind. Through some reading, listening and self realization, I learned that the light which I craved now had always been there. It had always been here. HERE. Right here, within me. A simple thought change can open up the true world, full of love and positivity, happiness, joy and inner peace.

I have found the road.

I have work to do still. I battle my own thoughts every day. I am rewiring myself. Self improvement everyday. Trying to accept my own mistakes and not holding on to the past. Creating my own day for what I see in it. To suffer is to be human, to have joy and peace and to learn from every experience is something a little different.

We are all the same, we are all different. No one is better than anyone else.

I have seen my first ray of light to walk this path, my journey is set and I hope to enlighten all of my surroundings as well as my path so I may enjoy every single thing every single day.

 

Peace Starts Now

14 May

f5f14abb10a9270f648413a424a2a9fbI have briefly told you of the recent changes that I have gone through. It feels so good to be me! It all started when I started reading a book called The Tibetan Art of Living. Right away the things the author was telling me were so simple yet I never thought of them on my own. How easy it is to be at peace in your mind and body and soul. I had already done all of the nasty bits and saw everything I had suffered through and really looked at it all purely and honestly…..so I thought.

Once I let go, once I realized a few things….then the real truth came. I am now different yet the same. I have the same heart, which is full of love, compassionate and open to everyone, but I am different because things like words and actions and behaviors of others do not penetrate the radiance of my heart and in that, there is peace.

Attachment is the cause of all suffering. I have learned to detach. It may seem cold to say, but really it is not. Attachment for me is mostly expectations. If I hold no expectations then I can never be upset or disappointed. I do not expect anyone to love me as I love them, I do not expect a present on my birthday, I do not expect anyone to call me back when I call them. There is no pain or suffering when I don’t expect things of others, or of things. It is to say that I cannot change things or people. I cannot wish for others to think as I think or act as I act. When thinking of, say, an addict, I do not judge as others may urge me to. This “addict” is a person, he has a name, he has a past a present and a future. He has made decisions for himself, it is not for me to decide whether the way he lives is good or bad, it just IS. On the same note, I shall not dare to judge or treat others differently because of their current situation or look or mood and demeanor, everyone deserves kindness, love and respect enough for others to just let them be who they are.  There is no harm in kindness. There is harm in attachment. The only harm in attachment is harm of ourselves. This is a self inflicted pain, always.

I am letting you in on my state of mind. My peace and my reasoning and thought process.

It feels so wonderful to be able to stay unattached in a state of crisis or in a situation of grief etc. My husband and I are on the same path, the same enlightened state and we are both so calm now when encountering a crisis. We have realized that we cannot change anything, we feel our feelings and we don’t hold onto them or let them control us. We feel and let go. Of course we are always there for anyone who needs us, but we don’t hold onto pain any longer.

This is so calming, it feels like I can appreciate the life I have as I live it. I enjoy every moment. Even doing laundry. Yes, me….enjoying laundry. Laundry means that I have loved ones surrounding me, that we have clothing, we have water, that I have motion in my body and that we are clean. Laundry means so much more than a chore that has to be done. I see the truth.

With my enlightened state of being, I also enjoy and make time for myself. I enjoy alone time. I can look at myself and smile. I feel and look younger, I feel and look healthier. I am rarely overwhelmed and I am never anxious. As you can see in these two pictures of me, one taken last year and one taken today, much in and about me has changed. I don’t force a smile to make it look like I am happy. I still smile, but I feel more calm. With the peace, has come with self respect, and I have lost over 30 pounds in just over a month. I  no longer hiding. Start from within and it radiates. 20170514_13052220160701_214142

I have made myself a calming space of my own, a meditative space and a space where I can be alone and think and just be. 20170514_130602I go here every day now, for at least an hour.

It has made a huge change with the entire family. My life has now just begun anew with fresh eyes and an open mind and heart. Have a wonderful day all!

I Choose Now

26 Apr

The blogs you have read previously have had a very depressed, anxious and just all around dreary tone. The subject matter was something I couldn’t run from and I let everyone in on how I was feeling, how it feels to go through specific traumas and to let others know that they are not alone.

You still aren’t alone….but there is a better way.

I am now sharing my path the happiness and real joy, calm and love for myself. It’s not the way for everyone…I just want to share my experience in hopes that it will help even one person.

During the last two years, I have not made life easy for myself.

Looking back, I can see now that I have been living in the past. The traumas I had gone through when I was younger had started hanging around me like a black cloud of smoke. It stayed there, hanging around me, making me constantly aware of its presence and pressing me to always remember. As time went on, the cloud increased in size and density. This started clouding my vision. I could scarcely see and distinguish between reality and thought. My loved ones became more distant from me, I knew they were there, but I couldn’t touch them or laugh with them and listen to them. At that point the cloud started in on me, I was breathing it in and it permeated every vessel in my body and mind. I was drowning, the smoke had changed form into a black tar-like substance weighing me down and keeping me where I was. Cold, dark, lonely and now, fully depressed. The coldest cold. I saw no sunlight, I felt no warmth. I knew I needed saving. This was the darkest days I have ever seen. People started getting scared. My weight ballooned and I had then become bigger than I had ever been in my lifetime.

A friend took me to CMHA to get me some help. I enrolled in therapy at SASC and I could start seeing some help about to happen.

Then, my husband happened to bring home a book. I read the first 3 or 4 pages and in that instant, my life changed forever. With every word, sentence, paragraph and chapter that I read I was seeing the light.  I was seeing that I could shed myself of all of the black tar of painful memories and lead a better life. I can do this! I am not a victim. I am human. I am a pure source of energy, electricity and love.

I will heal. I can heal and I do not need anything or anyone to get me there except for myself. I am responsible for what happens and how I feel about things front here on out. There will be no more labels of depression or anxiety, stress, post traumatic stress disorder, down in the dumps or even a bad day. I created all of this, and I will make it disappear. I am a radiant light.

My eyes have been opened. And when I let myself really understand, I mean, to the depth of my soul understand, this is when I took off that black mass of a suit  which was all of my pain. I took it off, pulled it from my insides and let it out of my lungs. When I let out that breath, to push it from my lungs, a fantastical thing happened. It was no longer a black smoke, it came out as beauty, as love, forgiveness, and light. I learned right then, that I have the power to turn a negative into a positive. Not even that, i have the power to see things, everything as a positive, I can choose to not make judgements, I choose to live for right now. I no longer live back there. I no longer hang on to it. Everyone has suffered in some way. Everyone.  To be human is to suffer.  And the root of this suffering is attachment, and I let that stuff go. I dug from the inside out, I scraped out every bit of negativity I had harboured in my soul and I let it all go.  It came out and I have not seen it since. I am happy.

I love who I am. I am grateful for the love I recieve.

I have decided to live. I live right now. In this instant, in this moment. I am not living 30 years ago. I am not living 20 years in the future. I am right here, right now, and every moment counts. I decide to look myself in the eyes. I can do that now. The shame has gone.  The hatred has evaporated. Today is beautiful and I can smile.

The Dream

24 Mar

Yesterday was a hell of a day. The emotional rollercoaster was way too bumpy and curving. It made me feel sick. After sharing a bottle of wine with my husband after the kids went to bed, I went to bed.

In that sleep, I dreamt.

There I was, with a little baby girl in my arms.  I knew she was mine. I could see the curl in her blonde hair and the kissable little lips. The look in her eyes of total trust, and my heart was hers. I looked around and found myself in a precarious situation. I was at point A but I had to get to point B and there was no straight line to get from one to the other. I had to manage my way through twists and turns, all sorts of dangerous obstacles.  I held my baby close, and I went for it. She was fine. She thought we were playing a game, her trust never breaking. I was scared. Things started moving under my feet and I had to make a move before we both went down to our doom. Leaping over things, tucking and rolling, my heart racing. When I looked down at her face,  I felt nothing but pure love and joy. I would do anything to protect her. I would save her, I would save myself because she needed me.

I made it to point  B.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I wrapped you arms around my husband and told him that I dreamt that I had a baby daughter, and that she was beautiful. But that statement didn’t seem right. I took a minute and thought about it.

That baby girl was ME. I was protecting myself. The child that was hurt so many years ago, I was making sure that she was not going to get hurt now. Maybe I dreamt this because I can see myself on a new journey to discover myself again, preparing myself to go through the emotional pain again by retelling my story, or even just telling the whole entirety of my story to someone. That baby girl, the innocent one is still there, still inside. This also tells me that I still have some memories locked away somewhere. Something more hidden to prevent further injury.

That baby girl is beautiful. She is innocent. The part of her that grew, that endured the humiliation, the pain, the subjectification, she grew to be me. I don’t want her to see it. I want to protect her from the nastiness of the human race, I do not prevent her to see beauty, the innocence is still there in times of wonder and joy and when something is beautiful, I am her when I am doing a good deed and experiencing something truly wonderful with my children. We all have moments like that, the wonder, the awe and the complete joy that comes with certain situations and experiences. With my disorder, it puts these feelings almost at a halt. I revel in it when the feeling comes.

It is a tight rope that I walk. A constant balancing act.

I can’t wait until I can get down. I can’t wait until I am a whole person again. Until I can feel things and let things happen.

Not right now but soon. For now it’s only a dream.